Say a prayer for Ashley

I'm sure most of you have been saddened by Ashley's trending 'secret' on youtube. But i ask that you do not only shed a casual tear. Instead, say a prayer every now and then for her and her family. It's the least we all can do.
Only God knows....

How i became the inglorious basterd that i am.

I spoke to a friend today and my heart felt like lead - out of sadness for him, and as a result of the buried emotions within me i'd long tried to stifle. But today it all came out like a dam overflowing its ugly banks, as i remembered all that made me the basterd i have become today.


7 years ago and some heated words still never heal. You can only disown a child once and its best done on his 20 something birthday.
Mother: It's either you choose this family, or that girl! Let me know your choice today!
T.N: (Quiet)
Mother: So you will not let her go?
T.N: (Quiet)
Mother: Then, You are not my child! It's your life, do it as you wish!
T.N: (Quiet)

The arguments were replayed every single day. Looking back,i wonder how i maintained a single opinion for so long.Me myself, i get strong head sha.
Mother: What is wrong with you?!How difficult is it for you to break up with a girl?!
T.N: Because all of the reasons you have slated,as far as i am concerned hold no weight. I am entitled to my own opinion- in the choice of the person I WILL SPEND the rest of my life with.I,not You.
Mother: She must have given you something to eat! They must have taken your name somewhere, that's what it is,isn't it?!
T.N(Dry laugh): Then there must not be a God up there. If there is a God, then the authority and faith we hold in Him should be bigger than voodoo and charms. If at all she was that sort of person-we know she is not.
Mother: You are just a child. You cannot understand.

For some reason, that one always stung the most. Being thought to be a fool, even when it was easily acknowledged that i used to be one everyone relied on in those days. I was supposedly the most spiritually inclined; I held the best grades (i must have at least been reasonably smart right?), i was the most introspective, i thought everything deep and through. She used to come to me for advice when everything was falling apart. Now all of a sudden, i am a fool.

T.N (Dry laugh): I guess i am a child then. I'll wait to grow up and understand. Till that day,i cannot do something that's against what i know to be true.


Its hard to go back to those days...the words were too deep and too hard. They cut deep and made bleed. Desperate,I sought counsel everywhere. I needed to be sure that i wasn't making a big mistake. But the others didn't see a big deal in any of the stress. The older pastors didn't, the counselors didn't,my older friends didn't, and worse still,i didn't. So how could i have walked away??

I remember my heart growing colder for all the four years that turmoil dragged on. I stopped caring...i stopped living...i receded deep within to protect the only thing that made sense in those days.I hate going back to those days.Dark dark days.I left the house when it reached its peak.I had the choice to stay i Lagos for nysc, or give up my privileged influence with the nysc authorities. I didn't care, i didn't want to be there anymore. So i walked far away. But pain does not reduce with space/distance. When i came back from the east,something had broken within, i was not the same person anymore. I changed.


There are many ways to consider the issue of parental discontent with your spousal relationship. Acknowledgely,in many instances, it turned out the child was wrong and was short sighted. But in some rare instance-like my friend's whose story i listened to today,there just couldn't be any visible sign to suggest that he is being the fool. Everything just seemed right...And in other instances,even where the danger signs are obvious,there is the element of love-so deep. Ahhh,the emotion is a funny thing,and can run stronger and deeper than we could ever imagine.My friend quoted from the final chapters of romeo and juliet,explaining that in some stories,both parties could just not bare the thought of living without each other, they'd rather die. And many have died for love. It's very common in india and asia even these days- i was surprised myself to find out. Ofcourse I don't succumb to the death decision (lol), but i understand where the idea may be steaming from. I have been there.


The funny thing is that even with all of the hullabaloo,the everyday living of marriage still holds most of its rough days. Marriage is hard work. Even where the two people involved loved each other to death and all of the world and the catholic pope ratified their union..there would still be days where they'd hate each other with the same ferociousness. There'd still be days when his secretary will make his blood burn with lust. She might cheat on him, the children will make their days rough, finances will still be hard on some days. And everyone of the unions must still battle against the odds of a divorce when the heats gets too hard. So yes the cynical part of me acknowledges that it may all not be worth it, fighting the world for one person...or is it?

But then again, when we are in love,as we all we be, love is all we have. Love, Faith and Hope for the best. I believe everybody should be entitled to that-especially moreso when the person's usual reasoning can be trusted. Heck, even with all the parent's good intention, many of them only endured their marriages to the end.

Anyway,i adviced him to write and let it all out in a blog and hopefully his last words will be a happy ending...he'd propose to her and the whole world will laugh with him. He laughed it off and said he'd try. As for me..well some people go through shit and heal and become better for all of it. Me,i just never healed. I just became an inglorious unbelieving basterd. That's why i have another date on friday with Tz.

Life,as we know it (My cross roads 4)

We never ever grow old of our admiration for super heroes. That's why old men are still making marvel comic movies and nollywood is still trying to create what looks like an action movie. I liked superman when i was younger. I used to wish i had super powers, until today when i realize that along with being put in a saviour/warrior position,comes some really hard responsibilities. Such as decisions and actual combat(shriek)!

Suddenly i am questioning, How can i be a super heroe when i do not have the cape, and i do not even like wearing spandex!I've mentioned before that my bulging crotch even makes me super picky in selecting boxer sizes, talk less of wearing spandex and red pants in public!


Suddenly i am making excuses of, "I have a stutter,you know i stammer, how do you expect me to speak up against authorities!" What if it turns out that what i believed in and stood up for was all crap? What if i lifted up my magic staff/wand and the seas did not part? What if an eqyptian arrow hits me as we make our way through the red seas?!


And to start with, what do i know about the art of warfare in the first place? One sobering fear that gets to me every now and then in these thoughts is an old acquaintance who carried his big head like mine and said he was going to war against cultural affirmation. He did good for a while until he travelled home to the East during holidays and his car crashed - killing him, his wife, and leaving a toodler child orphaned and at the mercy of the heartless villager's tug of war for inheritance. #Shudders# How i wish i was carribbean!
But i try to reassure myself that that's a lone incidence,and hey, i'll be just fine,would still be running my mouth all over the place until i am 95 and need braces to keep them from dropping off my jaw!


And these are all just primal fears,aren't they? Should we live our lives and make decisions just because we were afraid? What if i was right....what if? What if i turned and ran,and that voice remained as a haunt through my days,telling me, "You should have stayed,you should have fought this." But that's all action movie talk...Groan..i wish someone would turn off the sky digital channel that my days have become.
/

Someone recently said to me: The thing about our African traditions and all of the nay-sayers is that,they never consider what will happen to the other person who has become the object of scrutiny. All we want to do is save our own face. And the sad sad thing in all of these,and even my own meandering thought is that, i know without a doubt that,if i was the one in the position wherein she finds herself today, and she was faced with the choice to stick by me or not,she'd never ever walk away from me. It doesn't still make it any easier does it...choice is such bitch. I swear,at the end of all these,i'll put up a shiny 32 grin of me lounging in the carribean brandishing my new nationality passport. You can all be there singing:



Me,personally,i've had it with all the bullsh*t! #FightThis T.N#

Life, as we know it (My cross roads 3)

I've mentioned before that i wish this will all turn out to be being overdramatic and indulging my inner knack for theatrics...but i'm yet to wake up since this whole crap started and find that i was dreaming it all. The dang sickness hasn't gone away, my stress level is getting worse and i'm informed now to report to a family meeting in london next week. Do you see where this is going..as a part of me told me today, "To fight this, man.".

Now, in Nigerian style life, as we all know it, you do not pick a fight against your family. You do not fight against culture, tradition, and the last wishes of your parents. And if you choose to fight,then you are turning your back on everything. Walking away in the words of craig daid that's been taunting my mind of late. But i wonder against the fine voices of tradition,where my personal principles and hopes lie when it contradicts the genral fear of "family.". Its a hard one, and varied opionions will draw swords already in defence, i know...

You know that old song "Jesus take the wheel!". And i wonder, how do you tell the distiction between when to let go and let God, and when you seriously need to "Suck it up, and take charge of the direction you life would be going?" #LikeSeriously?#I know this might end up sounding luda,but its alright to pray and hope and have faith,but as of now,i'm getting sick and tired of the 'not knowing', and just wanna take back charge of my life.Heck,if i drove the whole thing off the cliff,i'd meet God with a half broken toothy grin and say, 'dang that felt good!'.#heresy, i know quoting from Joshua Harris' Blog:

Nowhere in the Bible does it say "God helps those who help themselves." But it does tell us that God helps those who wait for him and hope in him.

But a part of me still tells me to: "Fight this man.". The intricate details of these are hard. Like, meen,jeez!I've lived quite abit and have pocketed a few experiences along the way, but admitedly, none this difficult. Today i asked God frankly, "Why is this happening to me?" "Why am i at the center of this mess?". And i recalled my recent thoughts about modern day supermen.

Life, as we know it (My CrossRoads 2)

Today,I said to myself:Fight this, man. But how much i hate drama! I don't watch Hollyoaks,or one tree hill, or any other series that smells like soap. I've always believed that life has enough worries of its own, why should i want to entertain myself by watching fictional turmoil. I'd rather laugh, or be fascinated by SciFi's or thrillers. So imagine my horror when someone decided it's my turn to become the center of real-life dramatics!

Note: I now officially hate being Nigerian and everything associated with our african traditional roots. Culture, believes, its all crap. I can totally understand now why many have left the shores of home, accepted the ideals of another culture and never looked back. I might never look back.

So,someone very close to me fell ill recently. Really ill, but we hope she'll get better. Alot of people freaked out at the situation, in particular, my family. Yes, without a doubt, i have my own bouts of fears,but being closest to the person in concern, i've kept them at bay and insisted on being supportive. It's my support that's become my reason for all of these crap. I don't get us Nigerians, seriously,i think for the most part of it, we're narrow minded, unnecessarily fearfull.

I've lived long and hard enough to know that, "Sometimes, life happens.".Anything can happen to anybody at any point in time. You might loose a loved one tommorrow, you might crash in a plane next week...for the most part of it, we can only do the best we can to safe life, but none of us is above the lemons and curveballs that life can throw at anytime. So, help me understand,why i should pick up my skirt and run like everybody else? What if in my running, i ran into an incoming truck? What if i ran and ran head first into something far worse than what i was picking tail from in the first place? We all have our opinions...of which we are entitled to.

Life,as we know it (My Cross Roads 1)

I have often bitched about insensitive bloggs who go on and on about their personal problems and seem to forget that the rest of us take coffee and crackers type delight in the formerly lighthearted nature of their blogs. Since i realize that i am fast becoming one of such people, i apologize in advance. But to be frank, for the past few weeks and maybe subsequent ones,i'm needing this blogg just for me...if that makes any sense at all. Matter-of-fact,i've considered that the level of shit i might be disclosing if i am unable to revert to taking personal charge of my own issues, might just provide the fine culmination to these pages. Fuck, life just got too heavy! And if this all ends like fairy tale, then it'd be a fine place to put up smiley faces of the nut cracker behind this blog-because at that point, really, there'd be no more need for privacy or annonymity-having said all already.

Wordless

On this day...8/3/2011.

Letters to future me

Dear me...This is for that day you will wake up at 40 and wonder why i brought us to this place...(well if we didn't hit the delete on this blog somewhere along the way).

Sometime towards the end of our M.Sc programme,life happened, and i was brought to a cross road, faced with a decision to continue down a certain road,or change direction. This was the place (for most parts) that brought us to where we stand today. And standing i did,dear me. (If indeed Heaven gave me the grace to stand)

For some reason,i think back to the childhood story of PeterPan and his fascination with Never land...Incase,you have forgotten,something happened to us long time back,where we fought hard till we almost bleed to death...we fought for an idea,a suppossed ideal,and we came out with the goal. That is fine. Battles make you stronger,and they sure did. But like PeterPan,when something traumatises your whole being,you tend to subsequently lock it away in a far closet and choose to forget,wanting to be child forever along with the part of you that survived the wars....That is why i have always laughed the loudest,because i treasure the simplicity of predictable everyday joys and quietness.

But somewhere towards the tail end of Business School,those old doors got jarred open again and i remembered the reality of what it means to go to war. But you know,when you grow older, if you ever have to fight again,you pick your fights. You are no longer fighting for an ideal or a vague idea...you have now understood life better,so you know what idea makes sense and what doesn't...but still dear me,there is the bit of justice and principles that may constrain you. It is on the basis of this, that i am forced to stand up, forget Never land, and be a man once again...even though scarred as hell. But should i have run away dear me - because i was afraid?...Wouldn't you have mocked me as a fool? But what if being a fool brought you quieter days at 40? Do you see the tyranny of choices..you just never ever know. You only do your best, i did my best i swear i did.

I am not sure what choice i will make right now,but i know it will radically determine the course of our days,- heck more your days than mine! You wonder why i am so cynical and irrational,may this little piece answer your questions. The apostle Paul once quoted saying...'even if my life is being poured out as a drink offering..'Those are the words of a man who knew the implications of his decisions before he made them,yet he made them still...that is where i stand today dear me.. I know what this might lead to,yet i might continue...

I really hope your life turned out more beautiful than mine. I hope i did not put you in a place of regret and turmoil...I hope i made the right choice, and even for all the stress you might have to endure, that your days are still laced with plenty silver linnings- the fruit of the ideal that i choose to believe in. Dear me...there aren't alot from which you can base your decisions in life. There is God, principles, and the rest is just flakes from which you hope luck plays you a good card. I've found that God many atimes goes quiet when you have to make a choice..because choice is a gift He's given to us and will not take back. He gives you an idea and waits for you to decide. The best one can do maybe,is to take that idea,and mix with the best intentions-in justice and faith, then let life churn the rest out....Nobody can make a choice for you,nobody did...so i take unflinching responsibility.

You know all i am talking about...heck i wish it just turned out that i was being over dramatic here - if wishes were horses,i'd sure as hell ride out of here right now. And that's the crux of the whole matter, to ride this horse, or get off whilst i still can...that was the choice as the doors the NeverLand got closed forever. Behold i set before you this day, Life and Death, choose...what?

S*a*d (The Quiet)

If you've lived long and hard enough,you'd know that life isn't always coozy coffee and crackers. Some days and times are b*a*d, s*a*d...but that's just life.

I wore a hospital gown a few days ago and laid out on a surgery table....I'm fine,but let no one kid you,some days are anxious, s*a*d...but that's just life.

Usually i would delete that last bit because i hardly put up personal posts that are too easy to decipher,but of lately i've been blogging just for myself and my sanity...truth...a few words....

On a different T.Note even still,I might have to brace myself for some rough days ahead...pick up the gaunlet and fight again. I'd grown tired of fighting, i thought Obama ended all the wars!


You know,i wonder,if you see trouble ahead,should you keep walking towards it(even when you've fought too many troubles already in your days),or just knowingly take a detour?!

P.S please don't badger me with calls (i will not pick o),i'm really peachy peachy good ;-)If i cannot offload here, then where else could i heyy?!

I love Inyamu's pages,she always has something uplifting:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."

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