Saturday, August 28, 2021

T.Notes#60: Impatient people

I met a girl who said she felt closest to God

after the guilt of intentional sin.

We spoke about weed, doctrine and grace.

Then I digressed....

The new house has a lush green lawn so i have become something of an enthusiatic garderner and really loving it! I have red roses, acer plants, white lilies, conifers - all looking stunning.🌻

Recently i bought some lawn treatment which promised me perfectly grown, weed-free lawn in 5 weeks. I applied the treatment on monday and commenced a daily routine of inspecting the lawn - waiting for promised perfection.⏰

However perfection wasn't coming quick enough - this ofcourse is the story of my life. Instead, my previously near-perfect lawn was getting muddy-black as the weeds around it also died. This was expected. It said so on the lawn treatment instructions, that the grass would blacken then re-grow after 3 - 5 weeks.🤔

However i have decided i simply can't wait 5 whole weeks with my lawn looking a sorry state. I prefer it's former outward-looking beauty, even though ridden with weeds underneath. I couldn't wait any longer for promised perfection. So i did what every impatient person would do - i cheated on the process.🙈

So after just 3days, i bought some quick-grow grass fertiliser, doused it all over the lawn and satisfied my impatience. This new gospel promised beauty in 3 days! And guess what, my grass is growing super fast now! It is returning to it's former outward beauty and so is the ugly weed quickly growing underneath!🦂


These are my T.notes - gaps and symbolism well intentioned🙄

Sunday, April 4, 2021

T.Notes#59: Anxious people

I don't know exactly

when i became

anxious.


It has sort of always been there,

Lurking in the background,

Staring out the window

Waiting for the worst to happen.


Sometimes it makes me Superhuman

Spurred by the constant need

To outperform,

To surpass expectations.


Other times it is an intense period of self sabotage

Breathless.

The wild things we do

to drown the urgent voices in our head.


I have met anxious imperfect people

Who played life like a reckless game of poker.

Dear foolish ones who look frighteningly just like me.


Indulging these fantasies

Is like jumping off a cliff

Hoping that God remembered to strap a bungee cord.

Things not to do when we are anxious.


Mama used to hand me secret round pills

And promise it will get better when i became a man.

What she really meant was

Grow up, get a job

and pay your own therapy.


I once watched a man tell his woman

that he was tired and nervous.

She pulled away quickly and left him stranded on the front porch

I desperately wished the fool had steadied his crown.


She returned with a flickering joint,

Made him sit within her gaping thighs

And proceeded quietly to plait his Afro into fine bantu knots.

A Queen.


She sang,

"Dont let your heart be troubled

Hold your head up high

Take Courage

Be Strong

Remember where your help comes from."


I know exactly the day i became anxious

A scawny child standing out in the rain,

Gripping a rusty gate and learning to count the big numbers.

Waiting for a grey Nissan that didn't return.


What can i do to be saved?

A desperate man once asked.

They told him about a God

Who could calm the raging storms inside.

These are my T.Notes

Please mind the gap.

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

T.Notes#58: Lately i've been thinking...

 Sixty-nine million words,

Fifteen life changing decisions,

Seven countries,

And i still haven't found what i'm looking for.


Lately i've been thinking

About what the pinnacle of satisfaction looks like.

When do you know

that you have achieved what your wandering heart is searching for?


I have watched myself every night

stare absently at a boiling tea kettle,

nibbling cotton candy to quench my hunger,

whilst my faith fizzles back and forth like careless steam,

and reckless thoughts of flight teases my mind again.


Lately i've been thinking...

That the idea of being deeply spiritual

is a beautiful thing

But it can also lead you

into some very messed up life decisions.

God save our souls.


I read about how every decision we make becomes part of the story of our life.

They say someday you would like to sit

with your kids or spouse and tell your story.

But you will pause and wonder which chapters are better censored or erased..


Lately i've been thinking...

That it is easy to find laughter.

To find an idea that tickles your soul

And just let it rip - laugh out loud and long

And by God, do it all over again.


So last night we roasted Corn and "Boli'

on a garden spitfire grill

Whilst it snowed outside in Canada

Making mockery of our laughable attempts to recreate childhood memories.


Lately i've been thinking...

That the Bible is full of reckless promises

Never will I leave or forsake you.

You don't even know me

Or do You?


Yet here we are..

Returning every day from your rented life,

To crawl through murky waters

of your own errors and cruel intentions 

To find a sit at the foot of Kings.


Lately i've been thinking...

About how it is easier to worship my emotions

But if you stay long enough

I promise you will hear a quiet voice,

Saying this is the way you should go.


But what about OCD traits which have rudely taken over our minds

Yet time after time,

The same stupid obsessive introspection

Will pull us safely from our own worst inclinations


Lately i've been thinking...

That i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

But hope is the untiring expectation

That joy will come someday.


So I beg you again to consider

That the skies will not fall

The heavens will not cave in.

Oh I wish that you'd breathe

And save room in our wandering

For hope and for tomorrows.


Lately i've been thinking...

Dear Jesus, 

This mind will not let me be

So I have been thinking...


That you play that same song on repeat

Every night tossing on your bed

As if battling with your desperate soul

To accept the uneasy notion

That just maybe

God is intentionally good to you.


Lately i've been thinking.


Wednesday, October 28, 2020

T.Notes#57: The ones who wandered and wrestled

 =Lagos=

I lost my faith🥀

=Lagos=

I lost my faith

in a crowded hospital parking lot

Clutching final medical results for a dear one

And screaming my lungs

like a badly written script.


=Flight=

Sometimes we take flight🦅

It is not absurd

When life forces you to lose faith

in simple things like

Prayer, hope and a God of justice.

We are only human.


=Accra=

We found a local banku joint🍻

And allowed the day idle away

until the canteens closed shops

and the kitchen stewards exchanged cutleries for stilettoes and flavored condoms.

These are the days of our lives.


=Punta Cana=

Heaven pardon our intoxicated nights🎭

Reggae dancehall, Konshens,

cheap alcohol damning every boundary of decency.

Skin, sweat and inhibited sexuality of total strangers mangled into each other. 


=Paris=

Days we'd go any length to feel alive🐂

As if holding our own lives by its cuffs,

acting out and daring heaven's attention.

Whilst the local choir reminded us in the morning that we were bruking off our souls closer to damnation.


=Wandering home🏚=

Dad used to talk about

making it to heaven

on a broken wing and a tired prayer.

With our multitude of questions abandoned 

this side of eternity,

Doubts and anger exchanged for wonder.


=London=

I found my faith on a rainy monday🦋

It returned bandy legged, sensibly cynical

and no longer demanding the heavens

for my share of the miraculous.

An unsensational type of faith

In an assuredly quiet and sturdy sort of way


=Today=

I am that guy🍃

Who is looking past your kodak charm

To fall in love instead

With the stunning bookcase behind you

Wondering if you read Tozer

And if you are also broken like me.


=Remembering=

If heaven reads a blog✒

Tell Dad that i am the wild one

who wandered and wrestled..

And after all is said, done and broken

I think i am still hanging on

Four years and counting

On a wing and a quiet prayer.

This is remembering.


Thursday, October 1, 2020

T.Notes#56: COW (Chronicles of a wrong decision)

 I analysed the Situation,🤓

I took my Shot,🔫

Now i am Screwed.🙆‍♂️

I call this one, COW🐴

aka

Chronicles Of a Wrong Decision🐮


This is a blog of note. It will be brief, honest and uncoded.


Exactly one year ago, i conducted a careful long term analysis of my career prospects. It was honestly going great but the prospects for future pay increases was starting to flatten, which is not in line with my needs. Plus i was conscious of meeting a certain salary target before a certain age.


So i whipped out my honestly impressive CV, concluded a few rounds of interviews and accepted a senior role in a bank. There was a good deal of providence involved in the whole situation, but let's leave that for now. P.S, I really like the defination of providence - protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power.


From day one stepping into the place, I knew i was going to dislike it and that view has not really changed. I dislike the extreme notice-me politics, i dislike that there are only a handful of black people in the bank.  The WHOLE  BANK - Five black people! I dislike working till 2am everyday and being told we have not met the target.


The only thing i like is the money and the supposed prestige. My linkedin community think i am a big deal but that is so far from the truth. It is a title and it sounds great yes, but the reality beneath the title is a hot mess. I have learnt not to covert anybody's life because you don't know their discontent. I am also thankful for working from home since covid broke out. It has lessened my migraines.


I started feeling boxed into a corner. I hate feeling cornered and i extremely loathe office politics which indicated that i might not do so well here. Born nigerian, i am not wired that way - we are either direct to the point, to your face or there is nothing to say. So less that one year in role, i whipped out that CV again which suddenly did not look impressive anymore. Infact it looked pretty desperate in my opinion. Why do you want to leave your current role less than one year in? Oh, i realised it was a COW decision.🤷‍♂️


It got crazy to the extent that i'd accept any job, even a junior role- just get me out of this place fast! However this time, we are in the middle of a freak pandemic; everyone is looking for a job, so the prospects for me was never going to be good. So after twenty rounds of desperate interviews, nobody was convinced about my blagging on why i will not jump ship again. 


So here we are and I'd love for this story to have a happy ending, but it does not. Sometimes life does not have happy endings or maybe i am simply in that 'in-between' part of the story before it all makes sense. At the moment it does not and my middle name feels like COW. I realise i should be thankful, yes i know that. But there is a certain type of internal turmoil that exceeds explanation or spiritualising. You can't fake happiness.


You know that narrative about how Noah entered this big ole boat and God shut the door, literaly boxing him in - that is how it feels. Shut in with the wolves, snakes and crazy monkeys. I used to imagine if Noah could have opened that door himself to bail out at some point, because it seems like i surely can't in my case. Besides, someone once said 'who the Lord has blessed, no man can curse.' So the reverse is quite likely to be true. An gross exaggeration but you get the point.


So where i am now, you ask? I know that my discontent has given alarming free reins to my excessivess. I am also writing motivational quotes and praying everyday to maintain my sanity. And i stay active like the rest of us professional liars on linkedin. I do believe that all things work together for good. I also know that when we become mere men backed into a corner, you have no choice but the knuckle up and fight. This is what i feel like we are all doing - literally scrambling like rats for the bigger pay cheque. It is not the way to live a life but C'est la vie.


In closing, words can save lives.

Here are some fine words by Kike Oniwinde

Which totally made sense to me:

There is beauty in discomfort,

There is beauty in the process,

There is discomfort in creating comfort.

Remember that,

This is bigger than just you.

Friday, August 28, 2020

T.Notes#55: August (All i've got)

Last night we masked our emotions

under the pouring rain,

as it finally dawned on us

That we are never going to be different.


I pleaded to know how you felt

But you drowned out my piety,

With red wine and that bitter sweet

Leandria Johnson song,

All i got.


Maybe wild souls were never made to be tamed,

Created by design

To amuse the heavens

With their wild wanderings and errors.


Do you remember when we raised our fists to the heavens

And made honest threats to God?

We swore that if he ruinned us

He'd pay dearly for our agony.

God bless our foolish souls


I saw you naked the first time in three years

Alone in a boutique london hotel.

We spoke honestly about our imperfections

About private flaws that only heaven and ourselves know about.


So here we are,

with our mastered theater of external perfection

Whilst grappling inside with

a fckd up mind, failing health

And burnt out spirits buckling under the weight of trying to rise above the impossible.


I guess what i am trying to say is,

I have been trying to get these words,

These narratives entirely flawless for You.

Here they are now

Thirty-something years late and just as flawed as when we first began.


I think...

I think these words are ready now

I think i am ready now.

Where do we go from here?

God knows we can't fall any harder.


And the vessel that he made of clay

was marred in the hand of the potter;

so he made it again into another vessel,

as it seemed good to the potter to make.

Jeremiah 18:4


Written to a late night

background of

Leandria Johnson,

All i got.


These are my T.Notes


Friday, July 24, 2020

T.Notes#54: Taming the Shrew

When something goes wrong,
My default response is to throw a tantrum,
blame God and make rash decisions.
I am working at it.
I want to be like Obama
Unfrazzled, calculated and smooth.
But my blood pressure is like a reckless danfo driver.

A Nigerian military regiment
invaded the Newyork stock exchange.
They marched to my desk wielding big guns,
gave a smart salute and announced to the surprise of all my collegues,
That my father, the president had sent a chopper to get me home urgently.
Aye, put a respect on my name!
All hail the chief!
Daydreams.

I expect God to be my commando warrior
To keep all these madness far from me
Bless me only with beach holidays and margaritas.
Is that even a biblical doctrine?
Instead it seems like heaven is on a long holiday.
Sending me postcards from the Bahamas
Talking about learning to trust in God
Whilst the world and my mind is gone bonkers.

When i finally became a man
I realised how lonely the masculine experience actually is.
It is not good for man to be alone
In his mind or space.
The problem is, men don't talk.
We work, worry, grunt, drink beer and play with adult toys.
Anything to escape that five minutes of painful introspection.
So we trade precious time for five minutes of wonder.
I think men need God more than we realise.

Do you remember that quiet night,
You noticed the neighbour's curtains slightly open.
Curious, you turned off your own lights,
Peered closer and discovered wonder.
This is how i feel about a good blog.
A gentle unrestrained access into an untamed mind.
I need a good blog
One that does not indulge me.

I love when you surrender your mind to a diary
Like a child discovering watercolor in a kindergarteen art class.
And then you become the audience
of your own wild thoughts.
Like lighting a blunt on a lazy saturday,
Fireflies playing on the radio,
And a local girl weaving your afro into bantu knots.

This post is about learning to find quiet.
There is a charming restaurant in the Philippines
It is called "Van Gogh is bipolar'
It welcomes clients to celebrate their imperfections, embrace their flaws,
And light a path to discovering wholeness.
I still haven't found what i'm looking for.
I'm still searching.
I will be found by You.

These ideas are like tiny birds flutterring above my head.
Ignored till they become like pesky badgering woodpeckers.
The penny finally dropped.
I think too much.
I analyse everything,
I worry excessively.
Someone said I simply need to turn off my brain sometimes.
Be still my soul.
But first, let me worry about what i'd do with the silence.

I spent last night memorising famous shakesphere quotes, listening to @BessObarotimi,
And analysing stock market activity
All so i appear wildly intelligent for a client engagement in the morning.
You have brought me to this place
So i look up to you to sustain me
I trust you to sustain me
You lift my head.
My scraggly bantu braided knotty head.

This post is about writing postcards to Jesus
I have a few concerns.
A widowed mother with a failing health,
Mortgages in an economic recession,
Playing russian roulette with a raging pandemic,
And heavy obligations of career decisions.
It is difficult not to worry.
it is tough trying to be like Obama.

These are my T.Notes.