T.Notes#62: Desperate people

 Desperate people

Lately i've been thinking

That I want to dance,

with the world unhibited

To hold hands and laugh,

This is me; these words are us

But i stutter breathless.

Your silence was bought by the Devil

Paid in kind,

by black stilettos,

and god forsaken sensuality.

I can say this here

I can park these truths here

To ponder them from a distance

Far away from my own near perfection.

But where does desperate devotion end,

And heresy begin instead?

To the creator of this mind,

State your intention,

Claim your prize!

69 times i have tried to drown,

this blog,

this good head,

this desperate dissatisfaction,

But everytime i read these words

My soul is stilled.

And i know,

That the further i wander from you,

the more i deeply understand

how my soul needs you.

Yet my heart will not keep still.

And my doubts rage still.

So my feet take flight again

If God will not come,

Then i will.

I will

Oh yes Jesus, I will!

Oh dear balm of Gilead,

Take all my money and devotion!

Can your God solve every problem

Or do you sometimes

Need a numbing shot of whiskey?

There was a girl who spent up her life

Singing desperate songs to God

Till her voice and hope wore thin.

Dear Jesus,

she whispered,

I have tried my best,

I can't sing no more.

I guess what i'm trying to say is,

I listened to an old Audrey Assad cd last night 

She said,

"After everything I've had.

After everything I've lost.

Lord, I know this much is true,

I'm still drawn to you.…"

(Audrey Assad, Drawn to you)

I have been chasing fireflies and gold speckled butterflies.🦋

Today i paused to smell my own rose garden.

These are my T.Notes,

I hope God still reads blogs.

T.Notes#61: Fireflies

 I have been chasing fireflies and gold speckled butterflies.🦋

The creative mind is blessed and cursed by wild fantasy.

Crazy people who spend their lives chasing wonder, trying to create illusive eternal satisfaction.

Today i paused to smell my imperfect rose garden.

Someday we must put away our wandering shoes

Fold up our wings and get into bed with contentment.

There once was a woman who bled for twelve years.

She spent all her days desperately trying to be healed

But none could satisfy her.

I am the one who has tasted the world.

But my wandering feet are wiser and tired now.

They say Jesus is perfect

Help me hang these shoes.

I heard an old childhood melody today

Jesus loves me, this i know.

Your fantasies will never satisfy you

That is why they are called fantasies.

Maybe this is why the gospel endears my heart.

Creativity also is, the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images and object of fantasy in response to unattended psychological need.

T.Notes#60: Impatient people

I met a girl who said she felt closest to God

after the guilt of intentional sin.

We spoke about weed, doctrine and grace.

Then I digressed....

The new house has a lush green lawn so i have become something of an enthusiatic garderner and really loving it! I have red roses, acer plants, white lilies, conifers - all looking stunning.🌻

Recently i bought some lawn treatment which promised me perfectly grown, weed-free lawn in 5 weeks. I applied the treatment on monday and commenced a daily routine of inspecting the lawn - waiting for promised perfection.⏰

However perfection wasn't coming quick enough - this ofcourse is the story of my life. Instead, my previously near-perfect lawn was getting muddy-black as the weeds around it also died. This was expected. It said so on the lawn treatment instructions, that the grass would blacken then re-grow after 3 - 5 weeks.🤔

However i have decided i simply can't wait 5 whole weeks with my lawn looking a sorry state. I prefer it's former outward-looking beauty, even though ridden with weeds underneath. I couldn't wait any longer for promised perfection. So i did what every impatient person would do - i cheated on the process.🙈

So after just 3days, i bought some quick-grow grass fertiliser, doused it all over the lawn and satisfied my impatience. This new gospel promised beauty in 3 days! And guess what, my grass is growing super fast now! It is returning to it's former outward beauty and so is the ugly weed quickly growing underneath!🦂

These are my T.notes - gaps and symbolism well intentioned🙄

T.Notes#59: Anxious people

I don't know exactly

when i became

anxious.

It has sort of always been there,

Lurking in the background,

Staring out the window

Waiting for the worst to happen.

Sometimes it makes me Superhuman

Spurred by the constant need

To outperform,

To surpass expectations.

Other times it is an intense period of self sabotage

Breathless.

The wild things we do

to drown the urgent voices in our head.

I have met anxious imperfect people

Who played life like a reckless game of poker.

Dear foolish ones who look frighteningly just like me.

Indulging these fantasies

Is like jumping off a cliff

Hoping that God remembered to strap a bungee cord.

Things not to do when we are anxious.

Mama used to hand me secret round pills

And promise it will get better when i became a man.

What she really meant was

Grow up, get a job

and pay your own therapy.

I once watched a man tell his woman

that he was tired and nervous.

She pulled away quickly and left him stranded on the front porch

I desperately wished the fool had steadied his crown.

She returned with a flickering joint,

Made him sit within her gaping thighs

And proceeded quietly to plait his Afro into fine bantu knots.

A Queen.

She sang,

"Dont let your heart be troubled

Hold your head up high

Take Courage

Be Strong

Remember where your help comes from."

I know exactly the day i became anxious

A scawny child standing out in the rain,

Gripping a rusty gate and learning to count the big numbers.

Waiting for a grey Nissan that didn't return.

What can i do to be saved?

A desperate man once asked.

They told him about a God

Who could calm the raging storms inside.

These are my T.Notes

Please mind the gap.

T.Notes#58: Lately i've been thinking...

 Sixty-nine million words,

Fifteen life changing decisions,

Seven countries,

And i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

Lately i've been thinking

About what the pinnacle of satisfaction looks like.

When do you know

that you have achieved what your wandering heart is searching for?

I have watched myself every night

stare absently at a boiling tea kettle,

nibbling cotton candy to quench my hunger,

whilst my faith fizzles back and forth like careless steam,

and reckless thoughts of flight teases my mind again.

Lately i've been thinking...

That the idea of being deeply spiritual

is a beautiful thing

But it can also lead you

into some very messed up life decisions.

God save our souls.

I read about how every decision we make becomes part of the story of our life.

They say someday you would like to sit

with your kids or spouse and tell your story.

But you will pause and wonder which chapters are better censored or erased..

Lately i've been thinking...

That it is easy to find laughter.

To find an idea that tickles your soul

And just let it rip - laugh out loud and long

And by God, do it all over again.

So last night we roasted Corn and "Boli'

on a garden spitfire grill

Whilst it snowed outside in Canada

Making mockery of our laughable attempts to recreate childhood memories.

Lately i've been thinking...

That the Bible is full of reckless promises

Never will I leave or forsake you.

You don't even know me

Or do You?

Yet here we are..

Returning every day from your rented life,

To crawl through murky waters

of your own errors and cruel intentions 

To find a sit at the foot of Kings.

Lately i've been thinking...

About how it is easier to worship my emotions

But if you stay long enough

I promise you will hear a quiet voice,

Saying this is the way you should go.

But what about OCD traits which have rudely taken over our minds

Yet time after time,

The same stupid obsessive introspection

Will pull us safely from our own worst inclinations

Lately i've been thinking...

That i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

But hope is the untiring expectation

That joy will come someday.

So I beg you again to consider

That the skies will not fall

The heavens will not cave in.

Oh I wish that you'd breathe

And save room in our wandering

For hope and for tomorrows.

Lately i've been thinking...

Dear Jesus, 

This mind will not let me be

So I have been thinking...

That you play that same song on repeat

Every night tossing on your bed

As if battling with your desperate soul

To accept the uneasy notion

That just maybe

God is intentionally good to you.

Lately i've been thinking.

T.Notes#57: The ones who wandered and wrestled

 =Lagos=

I lost my faith🥀

=Lagos=

I lost my faith

in a crowded hospital parking lot

Clutching final medical results for a dear one

And screaming my lungs

like a badly written script.

=Flight=

Sometimes we take flight🦅

It is not absurd

When life forces you to lose faith

in simple things like

Prayer, hope and a God of justice.

We are only human.

=Accra=

We found a local banku joint🍻

And allowed the day idle away

until the canteens closed shops

and the kitchen stewards exchanged cutleries for stilettoes and flavored condoms.

These are the days of our lives.

=Punta Cana=

Heaven pardon our intoxicated nights🎭

Reggae dancehall, Konshens,

cheap alcohol damning every boundary of decency.

Skin, sweat and inhibited sexuality of total strangers mangled into each other. 

=Paris=

Days we'd go any length to feel alive🐂

As if holding our own lives by its cuffs,

acting out and daring heaven's attention.

Whilst the local choir reminded us in the morning that we were bruking off our souls closer to damnation.

=Wandering home🏚=

Dad used to talk about

making it to heaven

on a broken wing and a tired prayer.

With our multitude of questions abandoned 

this side of eternity,

Doubts and anger exchanged for wonder.

=London=

I found my faith on a rainy monday🦋

It returned bandy legged, sensibly cynical

and no longer demanding the heavens

for my share of the miraculous.

An unsensational type of faith

In an assuredly quiet and sturdy sort of way

=Today=

I am that guy🍃

Who is looking past your kodak charm

To fall in love instead

With the stunning bookcase behind you

Wondering if you read Tozer

And if you are also broken like me.

=Remembering=

If heaven reads a blog✒

Tell Dad that i am the wild one

who wandered and wrestled..

And after all is said, done and broken

I think i am still hanging on

Four years and counting

On a wing and a quiet prayer.

This is remembering.

T.Notes#56: COW (Chronicles of a wrong decision)

 I analysed the Situation,🤓

I took my Shot,🔫

Now i am Screwed.🙆‍♂️

I call this one, COW🐴

aka

Chronicles Of a Wrong Decision🐮

This is a blog of note. It will be brief, honest and uncoded.

Exactly one year ago, i conducted a careful long term analysis of my career prospects. It was honestly going great but the prospects for future pay increases was starting to flatten, which is not in line with my needs. Plus i was conscious of meeting a certain salary target before a certain age.

So i whipped out my honestly impressive CV, concluded a few rounds of interviews and accepted a senior role in a bank. There was a good deal of providence involved in the whole situation, but let's leave that for now. P.S, I really like the defination of providence - protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power.

From day one stepping into the place, I knew i was going to dislike it and that view has not really changed. I dislike the extreme notice-me politics, i dislike that there are only a handful of black people in the bank.  The WHOLE  BANK - Five black people! I dislike working till 2am everyday and being told we have not met the target.

The only thing i like is the money and the supposed prestige. My linkedin community think i am a big deal but that is so far from the truth. It is a title and it sounds great yes, but the reality beneath the title is a hot mess. I have learnt not to covert anybody's life because you don't know their discontent. I am also thankful for working from home since covid broke out. It has lessened my migraines.

I started feeling boxed into a corner. I hate feeling cornered and i extremely loathe office politics which indicated that i might not do so well here. Born nigerian, i am not wired that way - we are either direct to the point, to your face or there is nothing to say. So less that one year in role, i whipped out that CV again which suddenly did not look impressive anymore. Infact it looked pretty desperate in my opinion. Why do you want to leave your current role less than one year in? Oh, i realised it was a COW decision.🤷‍♂️

It got crazy to the extent that i'd accept any job, even a junior role- just get me out of this place fast! However this time, we are in the middle of a freak pandemic; everyone is looking for a job, so the prospects for me was never going to be good. So after twenty rounds of desperate interviews, nobody was convinced about my blagging on why i will not jump ship again. 

So here we are and I'd love for this story to have a happy ending, but it does not. Sometimes life does not have happy endings or maybe i am simply in that 'in-between' part of the story before it all makes sense. At the moment it does not and my middle name feels like COW. I realise i should be thankful, yes i know that. But there is a certain type of internal turmoil that exceeds explanation or spiritualising. You can't fake happiness.

You know that narrative about how Noah entered this big ole boat and God shut the door, literaly boxing him in - that is how it feels. Shut in with the wolves, snakes and crazy monkeys. I used to imagine if Noah could have opened that door himself to bail out at some point, because it seems like i surely can't in my case. Besides, someone once said 'who the Lord has blessed, no man can curse.' So the reverse is quite likely to be true. An gross exaggeration but you get the point.

So where i am now, you ask? I know that my discontent has given alarming free reins to my excessivess. I am also writing motivational quotes and praying everyday to maintain my sanity. And i stay active like the rest of us professional liars on linkedin. I do believe that all things work together for good. I also know that when we become mere men backed into a corner, you have no choice but the knuckle up and fight. This is what i feel like we are all doing - literally scrambling like rats for the bigger pay cheque. It is not the way to live a life but C'est la vie.

In closing, words can save lives.

Here are some fine words by Kike Oniwinde

Which totally made sense to me:

There is beauty in discomfort,

There is beauty in the process,

There is discomfort in creating comfort.

Remember that,

This is bigger than just you.