There's a game children play...
They would run off a little bit and look back at the watchful parent with a mischievous grin
Mother would give a eye of disprove,then the child would race back home with giggles
As if he was testing,to see how far off he could wander before you admonish him to come back home.
I got a mail yesterday from an asian friend
She wants me to come with her to one of those eastern faith conference
You know the types that emphasise on meditation and visions etc
The background is from when we lived together and we used to have long discusions about faith
The background is from when I felt it important to make effort to share the 'beauty' of my religious faith myself.
But as time and life happened,the importance of that duty slowly waned
I started becoming like the child who would test the waters of straying
Frequently looking back up for 'His eye of disprove' before I ammend my ways and 'come back home'
The thing about playing childish games is that some day you'll grow up and it'd be entirely up to you to decide if the same eye was enough to 'call you to order'
Or if like in my case,even screams from the proverbial parent now proved futile to gain attention.
Far from being a stylish note of western religious-independence,
I do really wish I cared,
And that my heart would not be so cold.
I sincerely wish I could have carried on that conversation today with a new acquaintance
Without knowingly cutting it short due to the bitterness.
And this is the note-
I truly don't understand my days
It seems to me like all my former efforts of living within the accepted lines of approval brought me no gain
Instead my days are complex and the decisions herein get harder and more tasking to make.
I can't truthfully 'market' christianity to anyone
Because I know from all the years of living it,
That its a hard painful life to live
Yes,its lived with meaning and yes there are occasional reveries of joy and respite
But the responsibilities...
Soon I stopped looking back for his disprove of my steps
The farther away I can get from his hard responsibilities,the better
And sought opinions couldn't matter
That's just the problem with living too long within the boundaries of faith-you sort of get to have heard it all and can masterfully preach your own through every side of the argument
But don't it wrong,
Somehow somewhere,in all of these,I'm still holding out for a hopeful happy ending to all these meandering thoughts
If I've learnt one thing that's remained-
Its that for mosts,every thing...is all in phases.
This was a personal .note.
And being typed out on a BB leaves room for plenty typos.
just last week, i retraced my steps "home" for the umpteenth time...i wonder how much longer He can take...and how much longer i can keep this game up...ReplyDelete
happy endings? i stopped looking for those a long time ago...
'..The thing about playing childish games is that some day you'll grow up and it'd be entirely up to you to decide if the same eye was enough to 'call you to order..' - Choices. Every man has to make his.ReplyDelete
This post was really honest and I'm sure a lot of people have asked themselves questions about their faith including me. As a Christian, truth is the responsibilities are huge and the world as it is today doesn't make things easy for us. But I guess that's why there's grace....always available when we need it most.
In the end it's all a choice we make...borne from the desire inside of us...I pray you find your happy ending. Thanks for sharing
Sounds like there is a ton of us 'prodigals' constantly looking over our shoulders to see if the Father is watching... Sigh.ReplyDelete
we all go through this and He understands.ReplyDelete