When i was younger, i'd wait till everyone has retired to bed, so that I can creep back into the living room to enjoy the solitude of night - doing nothing except listening to soothing music and daydreaming away. I just realized today that not much has changed in that regard - except that it's harder to stay up late without the throbbing consequences to my mornings. However, on such quiet nights as these, I have found that there is great benefit to idle daydreaming along the corridors of graceful providence. I have this one giant notebook that has travelled with me across many journeys. I have scribbled countless late night dreams which i have woken up to on countless mornings to chase and pray hard after. But as with all of us, flipping through some of those pages feels like walking through a boulevard of broken dreams. I stopped asking silly questions like 'why me' sometime last year when i painfully realised that though i am privileged to view the world through my own singular perspective, it really does not revolve around me. So why not me? And neither does faith make me immune from any of the heartaches that we will all walk through at some point - it is how the cookie crumbles - hardly any one of us makes it through unscathed in some way. This may seem like an obviousness but you know how some truths become painfully real to you such that it seems like no one else had ever realized it. So i have quietly embraced every page of that notepad, soaring and painful hopes none withstanding. And like tonight, i do wince at some hopes that still seem so very far off and who knows, may never come to pass...#Quiet....But i also enthusiastically celebrate the priviledges in the dreams that i have stepped into and now breathe in every morning. I realised a transitioning in my faith recently which some may disagree with but which suits me just fine. It is this....I no longer position an argument for the existence of God in all of these madness. I find that instead, i am cluchting hard to one thin desperate and worn out shroud of what is left of my own faith, within which i am quietly hoping hard...for there to be a God...somewhere that'll make it all worth the while somehow and sometime. I love the audacity in the sensible truth that if Christ is not raised, then indeed, vain also is our preaching, and vain also your faith.
I am dreaming again tonight, being fully aware that not all dreams come true. But that's fine, because some do. And if the stars don't shine on this one, I'll dream yet another for tomorrow.
P.S......My comment responses may be slow but i do honestly collect every one and allow them lap gently against the lazy lakes of my meandering thoughts.
Have a good night folks....And if you found solidarity in any of my implied contexts, hang in there :)
Can you imagine I just found out T.Notes means 'Tantric Notes'? Walahi, I am a learner. LOL.ReplyDelete
I started writing my first and only novel when I was 13 and in SS1. I don't remember when I wrote my first poem. My Mum handed me one she found the last time I was home. My teenage years were filled with a lot of heartache and angst, not a lot of room for self expression, so I buried myself in books and writing. I wrote poetry mostly, filled with self-loathing, love, depression, dreams. Everything. If it mattered, it was written. I stopped writing when I went to one school like that ;) I remember I stopped because I was afraid someone would find out what I should have been writing: some heavy shit and impossible dreams totally at odds with my supposed good girlishness and maybe to protect him. The last time I was home, I found an old notebook with my poems and some journals. It was interesting to relive some of those years, all the dreams, broken and fulfilled and it somewhat makes sense to me that it would be this way.
Over the last year or so, the futility of my own dreams and the power to make them come to pass has been exposed. In all of this, all that is left of my faith is something a friend told me the other day while at brunch: the totality of our lives only makes sense when we acknowledge that God knows the end from the beginning and that even if things are really hard now, God knows about it and He cares.
I hope I made some sense. Trying to adequately express myself is hard sometimes. Be well.
Can assure you that you made all the sense in the world Ayodeji! And i maintain that the world would be a better place when you stopped hiding that blog away!Delete
And errr.....Tantric Notes Ayodeji?!!! No idea where you got that one from, but i see how your mind works! Tantric notes, really?!
Did i already say that the curiosity of your mind is fascinating....
Our world is now a noisy place, enjoying the quiet of your thoughts and dreams is like an activity from a faraway past. Dream on bruh, and may the fear of dreams that might never come to pass not make you stop.ReplyDelete
Well toast to keeping those dreams alive! All hope's not lost though. Just some extra effort to find that quiet place of sanctity and the imaginations often get back to skipping about the place.Delete
I love my solitude, that is the only time I really get to think and dream...yes not all dreams come true but I can't help it but dream.ReplyDelete
Totally with you on relishing the occasional quietness of fine solitude. Does help to put things in perspective too.Delete
I dunno how you do it oh! Oga Boss.. But your posts always strike deep within my confused Origogoro head.. In the past 24 Hours yeah, I have been battling a whirl wind of emotions.. You know Plenty Lust, Anger, Pain, Betrayal et al.. but reading this line struck a cord.. You know the line where you said:ReplyDelete
"though i am privileged to view the world through my own singular perspective, it really does not revolve around me"
This was an Amazing Read.. Trust me... Mehhnnn I wish I could say i had a book of Dreams and mantras oh.. But far from that.. Hell! I have a room door filled with them.. and each day i live home by 4: 35 AM and walk through my Dreams as I go past the door post, i look at them and in a silent Convo with GOD, i reiterate me believe in these lofty dreams.. Will they all come to pass?! That I dunno.. But will I try to chase them all, even the ones which I seem to have grown past the preset target age of 18 and 21?! Hell Yeah..
Most importantly.. I had a confused moment about GOD 2 Saturdays ago as i sat in a Danfo enroute V.I.. You know one of those moments when "awon Aye" will want to make you think you are self made yeah.. But then I jejely Concluded that If "Believing in GOD has brought me thus far.. Then why stop believing in him now?!" This was a Dope ghen gehn post T-Notes.. Deep and apt.. I likey! Twale baba... More Ororo (grease) to the Engine of your Brain sir :) iKid.. Cheers.
What can i say bro, but that by grace nothing steals our strength to keep dreaming amd when one drops, to dream yet anothet dream. Who knows your utopia is certainly closer than when we first began :)Delete
My thoughts and dreams virtually collide on a daily basis -my solitude is my fortress. I have learned to sit in solitude, to focus on the little things in life, to just be happy and content. I went though my old journals too this year, mind blowing stuff really, most of which will never see the light of day. But I acknowledge the journey, the path I've walked, the decisions I've made, and right now I'm at a happy place. I don't have all the answers but I am content to live life the best way I know...ReplyDelete
Peace and greetings!
T.Notes! Good to know you're kicking. I've missed this place.ReplyDelete
I look at some of my old notes and marvel at the audacity of my dreams and smile about the ones that came true :)
Hang in there too
Good to be back here! Deep words as usual...ReplyDelete
we have a responsibility to ourselves to keep our heart, mind, spirit, body, soul nourish and fueled with faith and hope and the dreams that encapsulate them.