2011 in broken pieces...

When i look back,
i have often seen my life (even egoistically so), as a fine complete vessel that i handed with gracious dancing into His hands...
But as this year draws to a close and i quietly reflect
at all of the painful memories when that vessel was thrown hard to the ground
and all the fine pieces of me mixed with mud and tears and many questions of why...
I give myself away...


As the clock ticks on 2012
I have crouched low, and allowed those pieces be delicately held back together...even with glue that i suspect may be fragile and unfirm.
Many times i have screamed and cursed at His help..
'Why help now-you allowed all of this in the first place?!'
'Leave me and let me mourn in peace, start my life anew directions i only deem proper!'
And often when all else failed, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!'


I have not ended these notes with any amazing dawning to all of questions,
But still...I give myself away...
Here is me that was sturdy and secure, now needy entirely of your grace,
Still handing it all yet again back to you.

If I have not learnt anything at all this year,
i've have at least understood to drink full of the cup mixed with pain and tests of integrity and faithfulness.
And the words that remained etched in blood:
'Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial bacause, having stood the test, he will receive the crown of life...'

I don't understand it, but i see it...
that if you append your agreement at the start of the contract,
then when all hell breaks loose and (somehow) through it all you manage to hang on,
never once ripping it all to shreds,
then when all the madness ceases and the sun shines,
there truly is a fine reward.

I still don't understand pain.
I've often wondered if we did not all sign on to become sacrifices at the mercy of something we cannot see...scarry...
Entirely like C.S.Lewis explained in 'Till we have faces' (God bless his Soul).
As one after the other, it happens to the best of us.
The braver ones have held up noble faces to the heavens
and counted it all pure joy to face trials of many kind,
counting it as a privilegde...
I only wish for quiet days...feeling like i've been through enough.

I don't understand it,
because i didnt become a valiant warrior for all of it,
instead i reached another level of broken,
and a confidence that is not me and only lays quiet within.
Yes i know how to face some battles now,
and when the times comes again,
i know where to assemble my defences.
I won't be crouching or whimpering....

I don't understand it because my hopes have grown dim
I won't believe anybody who preaches lofty messages about utopias and wonderland,
instead i quietly observe and advice for him to wait his turn,
and only pray that life will not deal him too hard.
My hopes are dimmed because like a war torn soldier,
i still sleep with the weapons and a ready hand under my pillow...
and i wonder if that is how to live life.

A good friend of mine stayed with me for a few weeks,
and He loved the song by William McDowell.
I hated everytime he'd look straight into nothingness and sing along from the depths of him 'I give myself away, so you can use me.'
It just doesn't make sense, i'd tell him...
You have no idea what He is capable of turning your life into...
as my own thoughts delved back into memories.


But as the clock ticks on
and i find under the carpet, that reluctant missing piece of my fine china vessel,
the part of me that trembled at the thought of giving it all entirely...
I understand...
and i hand it to Him...
and walk away,
singing into the new year...

Happy new year folks
Don't forget to pray for those hurting.
May all of tomorrow be ever so finer than yesterday.
Emmanuel...God is with us...for whatever life may bring.
At least, that is my own confidence.




I Give Myself Away

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Verse 1:
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I’m longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

Verse 2:
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Bridge(7X):
My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself, I give myself to You
Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Say a prayer for Ashley

I'm sure most of you have been saddened by Ashley's trending 'secret' on youtube. But i ask that you do not only shed a casual tear. Instead, say a prayer every now and then for her and her family. It's the least we all can do.
Only God knows....

Disclaimer: This is not my life.

This is the story of a guy called T. It is not my life...no matter how you choose to interprete it. But i will do best to re-tell the incident as it happened.

It is not my life because T. is a total bast3rd, and everybody who knows about this story has used even stronger language to condemn his callousness. T. was journey bound for Nigeria last week with his fiancee for their traditional wedding engagement. That was where i met the couple, because i also happened to be flying around that time.I noticed T. was fidgety on that immigration check quee, and every now and then, his concerned wife-to-be would look his way and ask if he was alright. Everytime, he mumbled an incoherent reply. All the way till the two had their papers checked and they were urshered through. I think it was at that point that T. realized there was no going back, and he just could not deal with it. There was abit of shuffle on the quee, and i think i heard him mumble, 'i'll be back dear', then he made his way out of the line and hurried out.I saw the look in his eyes and i knew he would not be...coming back.

I think his fiancee knew too, because she started getting frantic and calling his name. But he'd left her with three hand luggages that hindered her progress of getting out of the line in time. She motioned to me asking if i could hold on to her luggages, but the immigration officials immediately countered the suggestion and asked brashly if she was getting on the flight.

'My husband is...'She replied with confusion...'I just need to wait for my him, he said he'll be back...He...'.
'Madame, i'm sorry you either have to get on the plane or step out of the line. If your husband gets back in time, he'll join you on board.'

I knew he was not coming back. I watched him like a bad movie playing out in my head. He was walking fast, then picked up speed into a short jogg. He also looked confused...frightened. I could hear his breath quickening with every brisk step. He pulled a mobile phone out of his pocket and made a frantic call.

'TZ, come pick me up.'
'I thought you....' He didn't let her finish.
'Just pick me up now!'
He hurried out of terminal three and dodged into a nearby starbucks like a common thief. He waited there a sweating thirty minutes before a grey nissan pulled up nearby and he hurried inside and the two drove away.

I like TZ because she doesn't mince words...she's a realist, just like me.
'What the fu&k did you just do?!'
'Look i told you i could not go along with it!'
'And i told you not to go ahead if you were going to back out! For Christ's sake T!'
'Look, don't shout at me ok!'
'Ofcourse i'll fucking shout at you!I might be a bitch and all, but do you have any idea the chaos you're about to cause!'

And chaos seriously was erupting everywhere--on the BA Lagos bound flight, in Lagos, in the U.S. Phones were buzzing everywhere, everybody was calling, as the woman T. had left in the airport was making a very terrible attempt to understand a situation that was best only left to hollywood and bestsellers. I now understood fully what was going on, because her voice was loud, and tearful and disoriented as she made calls, and answered calls.

'I don't know where he has gone to!He's not picking his call! I don't know what to do?!!Should i leave the airport! Can you try to reach his t-mobile! Oh God, i can't breathe...was is going on...etc'

I can't explain any more than that...but for all who asked, does that answer your question?

pleaseeee

Please ensure I get home tonight.
Tomorrow's D-day!

The last notes (marrried people ought not to blog)

This post has been archived.

The last notes (confessions of a retiring blogger)

This post has been archived.

The T.Notes Quickie Quiz!

Really simple:
Where or when is the name of God exalted the most-
Irrespective of faith,color and tribe?

Clue-its not such a quickie!

A question of faith

There's a game children play...
They would run off a little bit and look back at the watchful parent with a mischievous grin
Mother would give a eye of disprove,then the child would race back home with giggles
As if he was testing,to see how far off he could wander before you admonish him to come back home.

I got a mail yesterday from an asian friend
She wants me to come with her to one of those eastern faith conference
You know the types that emphasise on meditation and visions etc
The background is from when we lived together and we used to have long discusions about faith
The background is from when I felt it important to make effort to share the 'beauty' of my religious faith myself.

But as time and life happened,the importance of that duty slowly waned
I started becoming like the child who would test the waters of straying
Frequently looking back up for 'His eye of disprove' before I ammend my ways and 'come back home'
The thing about playing childish games is that some day you'll grow up and it'd be entirely up to you to decide if the same eye was enough to 'call you to order'
Or if like in my case,even screams from the proverbial parent now proved futile to gain attention.

Far from being a stylish note of western religious-independence,
I do really wish I cared,
And that my heart would not be so cold.
I sincerely wish I could have carried on that conversation today with a new acquaintance
Without knowingly cutting it short due to the bitterness.

And this is the note-
I truly don't understand my days
It seems to me like all my former efforts of living within the accepted lines of approval brought me no gain
Instead my days are complex and the decisions herein get harder and more tasking to make.
I can't truthfully 'market' christianity to anyone
Because I know from all the years of living it,
That its a hard painful life to live
Yes,its lived with meaning and yes there are occasional reveries of joy and respite
But the responsibilities...

Soon I stopped looking back for his disprove of my steps
The farther away I can get from his hard responsibilities,the better
And sought opinions couldn't matter
That's just the problem with living too long within the boundaries of faith-you sort of get to have heard it all and can masterfully preach your own through every side of the argument
But don't it wrong,
Somehow somewhere,in all of these,I'm still holding out for a hopeful happy ending to all these meandering thoughts
If I've learnt one thing that's remained-
Its that for mosts,every thing...is all in phases.

This was a personal .note.
And being typed out on a BB leaves room for plenty typos.

Back!

How deeply I have missed my blog!!!
It's a hard life being single and lonely-without my better half,sigh..my sexy ass slim toshiba mean beast.Whomever be the basterd that stole you away on that fateful tube journey,I rest knowing that he cannot love you like I do!!!
P.s,blogging with a BB sucks big time!But u can't keep a good man down!
P.s,another guy blew me kisses today.I'm seriously starting to be worried.

It's only a number T.Notes...

I'm abit melancholic right now. Also knackered and seriously needing the bed after an early morning shift. But i need to put down this note just for me,and hey maybe you too.

Two things happened today that had to do with random digits. The first happened as i woke up by 3am and began an hurried preparation to get to Tesco for an early morning shift. On my way rushing out of the flat,i realized i'd forgotten to confirm that my staff i.d card was in my bag. #Dang!I need the i.d card because it has my staff i.d code which i need to access entry doors and get work done. But i was running late,so i took a moment to recall the number i'd been punching in frequently for the past year.I figured i had a good idea of the number,so i rushed off to work without checking for the i.d card. I got to work and indeed i had the number memorized quite right. I keyed into the building and work for the rest of the morning was a breeze. When my shift ended, i clocked out and left the building. It was afterall,only just numbers, 6digits to be precise.

I got home tired and found the mail i'd been informed should come in today. It was a huge package from the office,canary wharf.

It had inside P45&46 forms, information about my options on employee benefits&investments, annual bonuses, itinerary for a posh induction week, whom i would speak to on my first day in the office, stuff about company gadgets - mobiles,laptops,etc. And at the very top of the letter was the important detail i'd also been expecting. A six digit number which would grant me staff access into the towering bank's building. I didn't do my signature "whoop whoop holler" or scream.I only heaved a sigh of relief and called the number i was directed to call to set up an employee bank account for me. The lady on the other end was friendly and asked calmly: "Can i get your staff i.d please?" I looked up the 6digits on the top of the letter and recited it. She responded, "Perfect. Welcome to xyz Bank T.Notes". She then proceeded to set up the required ish and ooch in preparation for my first day. It was afterall,only just numbers, 6digits to be precise.

Did i ever mention that the Bank also sponsored a new work visa application for me? They handled all the documentation,paid for it and sorted it all out. All i did was reply their mails and send them my passport. This is the quiet:...I'm only just a guy,you know. That's what I said to myself in the mirror this morning knowing fully well that might have been my last day at tesco. "Why are so good to me? I'm really truly just a screwed up,messed up guy who's struggling to keep it all together.". I know people who've been here longer than me and are still struggling to find even a part-time job. And look at me and and my big head totally jumping all the red tape and processes.

God blesses us for a reason...i know my reason and my cross. Its like how those old cartoons used to say, "with power comes great responsibilities.". I fully well know that. But all the same...i'm really only just a guy. But a new day is ahead,and i'm not kidding myself to think its all going to be a stroll in the park. I still have hard prayers yet unfulfilled and You should see the caliber of Cambridge, UCL and LBS guys (n ladies) Smart ass dorks,&jocks the bank also took up!BUT GAME ON, BRING IT ON!This Naija no dey carry last!
I used to work with a Nigerian chic back in Tesco who's now booked a flight back home for september. In her own bitter words, "The U.K has nothing to offer international students.".I disagree. And its not just about the U.K or brains. Its the God behind it all. So like supercool neefemi, i pray for everyone who has a similar need to which i had. I pray not just that your needs are met, but they are met with a testimony that will astound anyone who hears it. God bless you...God never fails, hang on, and DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE THAT DREAM HAPPEN. IT IS POSSIBLE...afterall, i am just a guy, who's switching from Tesco's 6digit staff i.d, to XYZ's automated staff access PIN.

...One of my Fav worship songs,because of the deep story behind it, how how he breaks down midway in the song. The song was inspird after he lost his best friend, but still...God.


Oh,if you wanna hear the story of the song:

A love that celebrates weakness,and is true to God....i think that's what counts the most.

These oyinbo people will just be vexing someone sef!!!

From my part-time work:
(1st thing in the morning)
Our records indicate that you did not attend your confirmed shift at Tesco High Street on xxxth August and did not inform us of this. You now have a 'No Show' on your file. Please reply within 24 hours advising of any extenuating circumstances or errors on our part or you will be issued with a Feedback Report and further action will be taken.

Regards,

xxx

My Prompt reply:
Abeg, go and hug transformer jare!!!

No dey vex me today, i am not in a good mood! Ehnn, somebody no fit sleep forget come work again?! Abeg, go and die jare!!

Kind regards

T.Notes



My real reply:

Hello xxx

Thanks for your email......blah blah blah.....



By God's grace,i should start my proper LondonBigBoy Job next month and all these ass-kissing for a GCSE Certificate holder will reduce. But seriously,i'm vexed!!!

How i became the inglorious basterd that i am.

I spoke to a friend today and my heart felt like lead - out of sadness for him, and as a result of the buried emotions within me i'd long tried to stifle. But today it all came out like a dam overflowing its ugly banks, as i remembered all that made me the basterd i have become today.


7 years ago and some heated words still never heal. You can only disown a child once and its best done on his 20 something birthday.
Mother: It's either you choose this family, or that girl! Let me know your choice today!
T.N: (Quiet)
Mother: So you will not let her go?
T.N: (Quiet)
Mother: Then, You are not my child! It's your life, do it as you wish!
T.N: (Quiet)

The arguments were replayed every single day. Looking back,i wonder how i maintained a single opinion for so long.Me myself, i get strong head sha.
Mother: What is wrong with you?!How difficult is it for you to break up with a girl?!
T.N: Because all of the reasons you have slated,as far as i am concerned hold no weight. I am entitled to my own opinion- in the choice of the person I WILL SPEND the rest of my life with.I,not You.
Mother: She must have given you something to eat! They must have taken your name somewhere, that's what it is,isn't it?!
T.N(Dry laugh): Then there must not be a God up there. If there is a God, then the authority and faith we hold in Him should be bigger than voodoo and charms. If at all she was that sort of person-we know she is not.
Mother: You are just a child. You cannot understand.

For some reason, that one always stung the most. Being thought to be a fool, even when it was easily acknowledged that i used to be one everyone relied on in those days. I was supposedly the most spiritually inclined; I held the best grades (i must have at least been reasonably smart right?), i was the most introspective, i thought everything deep and through. She used to come to me for advice when everything was falling apart. Now all of a sudden, i am a fool.

T.N (Dry laugh): I guess i am a child then. I'll wait to grow up and understand. Till that day,i cannot do something that's against what i know to be true.


Its hard to go back to those days...the words were too deep and too hard. They cut deep and made bleed. Desperate,I sought counsel everywhere. I needed to be sure that i wasn't making a big mistake. But the others didn't see a big deal in any of the stress. The older pastors didn't, the counselors didn't,my older friends didn't, and worse still,i didn't. So how could i have walked away??

I remember my heart growing colder for all the four years that turmoil dragged on. I stopped caring...i stopped living...i receded deep within to protect the only thing that made sense in those days.I hate going back to those days.Dark dark days.I left the house when it reached its peak.I had the choice to stay i Lagos for nysc, or give up my privileged influence with the nysc authorities. I didn't care, i didn't want to be there anymore. So i walked far away. But pain does not reduce with space/distance. When i came back from the east,something had broken within, i was not the same person anymore. I changed.


There are many ways to consider the issue of parental discontent with your spousal relationship. Acknowledgely,in many instances, it turned out the child was wrong and was short sighted. But in some rare instance-like my friend's whose story i listened to today,there just couldn't be any visible sign to suggest that he is being the fool. Everything just seemed right...And in other instances,even where the danger signs are obvious,there is the element of love-so deep. Ahhh,the emotion is a funny thing,and can run stronger and deeper than we could ever imagine.My friend quoted from the final chapters of romeo and juliet,explaining that in some stories,both parties could just not bare the thought of living without each other, they'd rather die. And many have died for love. It's very common in india and asia even these days- i was surprised myself to find out. Ofcourse I don't succumb to the death decision (lol), but i understand where the idea may be steaming from. I have been there.


The funny thing is that even with all of the hullabaloo,the everyday living of marriage still holds most of its rough days. Marriage is hard work. Even where the two people involved loved each other to death and all of the world and the catholic pope ratified their union..there would still be days where they'd hate each other with the same ferociousness. There'd still be days when his secretary will make his blood burn with lust. She might cheat on him, the children will make their days rough, finances will still be hard on some days. And everyone of the unions must still battle against the odds of a divorce when the heats gets too hard. So yes the cynical part of me acknowledges that it may all not be worth it, fighting the world for one person...or is it?

But then again, when we are in love,as we all we be, love is all we have. Love, Faith and Hope for the best. I believe everybody should be entitled to that-especially moreso when the person's usual reasoning can be trusted. Heck, even with all the parent's good intention, many of them only endured their marriages to the end.

Anyway,i adviced him to write and let it all out in a blog and hopefully his last words will be a happy ending...he'd propose to her and the whole world will laugh with him. He laughed it off and said he'd try. As for me..well some people go through shit and heal and become better for all of it. Me,i just never healed. I just became an inglorious unbelieving basterd. That's why i have another date on friday with Tz.

Life,as we know it (My cross roads 4)

We never ever grow old of our admiration for super heroes. That's why old men are still making marvel comic movies and nollywood is still trying to create what looks like an action movie. I liked superman when i was younger. I used to wish i had super powers, until today when i realize that along with being put in a saviour/warrior position,comes some really hard responsibilities. Such as decisions and actual combat(shriek)!

Suddenly i am questioning, How can i be a super heroe when i do not have the cape, and i do not even like wearing spandex!I've mentioned before that my bulging crotch even makes me super picky in selecting boxer sizes, talk less of wearing spandex and red pants in public!


Suddenly i am making excuses of, "I have a stutter,you know i stammer, how do you expect me to speak up against authorities!" What if it turns out that what i believed in and stood up for was all crap? What if i lifted up my magic staff/wand and the seas did not part? What if an eqyptian arrow hits me as we make our way through the red seas?!


And to start with, what do i know about the art of warfare in the first place? One sobering fear that gets to me every now and then in these thoughts is an old acquaintance who carried his big head like mine and said he was going to war against cultural affirmation. He did good for a while until he travelled home to the East during holidays and his car crashed - killing him, his wife, and leaving a toodler child orphaned and at the mercy of the heartless villager's tug of war for inheritance. #Shudders# How i wish i was carribbean!
But i try to reassure myself that that's a lone incidence,and hey, i'll be just fine,would still be running my mouth all over the place until i am 95 and need braces to keep them from dropping off my jaw!


And these are all just primal fears,aren't they? Should we live our lives and make decisions just because we were afraid? What if i was right....what if? What if i turned and ran,and that voice remained as a haunt through my days,telling me, "You should have stayed,you should have fought this." But that's all action movie talk...Groan..i wish someone would turn off the sky digital channel that my days have become.
/

Someone recently said to me: The thing about our African traditions and all of the nay-sayers is that,they never consider what will happen to the other person who has become the object of scrutiny. All we want to do is save our own face. And the sad sad thing in all of these,and even my own meandering thought is that, i know without a doubt that,if i was the one in the position wherein she finds herself today, and she was faced with the choice to stick by me or not,she'd never ever walk away from me. It doesn't still make it any easier does it...choice is such bitch. I swear,at the end of all these,i'll put up a shiny 32 grin of me lounging in the carribean brandishing my new nationality passport. You can all be there singing:



Me,personally,i've had it with all the bullsh*t! #FightThis T.N#

Life, as we know it (My cross roads 3)

I've mentioned before that i wish this will all turn out to be being overdramatic and indulging my inner knack for theatrics...but i'm yet to wake up since this whole crap started and find that i was dreaming it all. The dang sickness hasn't gone away, my stress level is getting worse and i'm informed now to report to a family meeting in london next week. Do you see where this is going..as a part of me told me today, "To fight this, man.".

Now, in Nigerian style life, as we all know it, you do not pick a fight against your family. You do not fight against culture, tradition, and the last wishes of your parents. And if you choose to fight,then you are turning your back on everything. Walking away in the words of craig daid that's been taunting my mind of late. But i wonder against the fine voices of tradition,where my personal principles and hopes lie when it contradicts the genral fear of "family.". Its a hard one, and varied opionions will draw swords already in defence, i know...

You know that old song "Jesus take the wheel!". And i wonder, how do you tell the distiction between when to let go and let God, and when you seriously need to "Suck it up, and take charge of the direction you life would be going?" #LikeSeriously?#I know this might end up sounding luda,but its alright to pray and hope and have faith,but as of now,i'm getting sick and tired of the 'not knowing', and just wanna take back charge of my life.Heck,if i drove the whole thing off the cliff,i'd meet God with a half broken toothy grin and say, 'dang that felt good!'.#heresy, i know quoting from Joshua Harris' Blog:

Nowhere in the Bible does it say "God helps those who help themselves." But it does tell us that God helps those who wait for him and hope in him.

But a part of me still tells me to: "Fight this man.". The intricate details of these are hard. Like, meen,jeez!I've lived quite abit and have pocketed a few experiences along the way, but admitedly, none this difficult. Today i asked God frankly, "Why is this happening to me?" "Why am i at the center of this mess?". And i recalled my recent thoughts about modern day supermen.

Life, as we know it (My CrossRoads 2)

Today,I said to myself:Fight this, man. But how much i hate drama! I don't watch Hollyoaks,or one tree hill, or any other series that smells like soap. I've always believed that life has enough worries of its own, why should i want to entertain myself by watching fictional turmoil. I'd rather laugh, or be fascinated by SciFi's or thrillers. So imagine my horror when someone decided it's my turn to become the center of real-life dramatics!

Note: I now officially hate being Nigerian and everything associated with our african traditional roots. Culture, believes, its all crap. I can totally understand now why many have left the shores of home, accepted the ideals of another culture and never looked back. I might never look back.

So,someone very close to me fell ill recently. Really ill, but we hope she'll get better. Alot of people freaked out at the situation, in particular, my family. Yes, without a doubt, i have my own bouts of fears,but being closest to the person in concern, i've kept them at bay and insisted on being supportive. It's my support that's become my reason for all of these crap. I don't get us Nigerians, seriously,i think for the most part of it, we're narrow minded, unnecessarily fearfull.

I've lived long and hard enough to know that, "Sometimes, life happens.".Anything can happen to anybody at any point in time. You might loose a loved one tommorrow, you might crash in a plane next week...for the most part of it, we can only do the best we can to safe life, but none of us is above the lemons and curveballs that life can throw at anytime. So, help me understand,why i should pick up my skirt and run like everybody else? What if in my running, i ran into an incoming truck? What if i ran and ran head first into something far worse than what i was picking tail from in the first place? We all have our opinions...of which we are entitled to.

Life,as we know it (My Cross Roads 1)

I have often bitched about insensitive bloggs who go on and on about their personal problems and seem to forget that the rest of us take coffee and crackers type delight in the formerly lighthearted nature of their blogs. Since i realize that i am fast becoming one of such people, i apologize in advance. But to be frank, for the past few weeks and maybe subsequent ones,i'm needing this blogg just for me...if that makes any sense at all. Matter-of-fact,i've considered that the level of shit i might be disclosing if i am unable to revert to taking personal charge of my own issues, might just provide the fine culmination to these pages. Fuck, life just got too heavy! And if this all ends like fairy tale, then it'd be a fine place to put up smiley faces of the nut cracker behind this blog-because at that point, really, there'd be no more need for privacy or annonymity-having said all already.

Wordless

On this day...8/3/2011.

Gidi Blues!!!! (Friday night par-tay)

I am hereby officially missing my gidi nights~the occassional jazz n blues at the Muson center, oooh that suya spot we hang out on Gerald after work, MotherLan+lagbaja=Konko below!, the crew at Terra, Ikoyi club nights, roasted fish at country club, that african restaurant in yaba behind CCC (jeez,i am forgetting names already!)Finicky,or something like that!Forget all that silverbird and whats the name of its counterpart in lekki??!!...I can't believe i am forgetting names of places and streets already!!!Noooo,i cannot forget!!!Meen, i am ditching this place and going home for christmas!!!

But for the moment, sisi eko is rocking the airways in Brum, in preparation for our after dissertation naija party at Edgaston!!!!Ooooohhh!!Gidi sha, for all the sufferring and smiling!!!!

Oya Stop, I say Stop!!!Park yair, park yair!!!

Letters to future me

Dear me...This is for that day you will wake up at 40 and wonder why i brought us to this place...(well if we didn't hit the delete on this blog somewhere along the way).

Sometime towards the end of our M.Sc programme,life happened, and i was brought to a cross road, faced with a decision to continue down a certain road,or change direction. This was the place (for most parts) that brought us to where we stand today. And standing i did,dear me. (If indeed Heaven gave me the grace to stand)

For some reason,i think back to the childhood story of PeterPan and his fascination with Never land...Incase,you have forgotten,something happened to us long time back,where we fought hard till we almost bleed to death...we fought for an idea,a suppossed ideal,and we came out with the goal. That is fine. Battles make you stronger,and they sure did. But like PeterPan,when something traumatises your whole being,you tend to subsequently lock it away in a far closet and choose to forget,wanting to be child forever along with the part of you that survived the wars....That is why i have always laughed the loudest,because i treasure the simplicity of predictable everyday joys and quietness.

But somewhere towards the tail end of Business School,those old doors got jarred open again and i remembered the reality of what it means to go to war. But you know,when you grow older, if you ever have to fight again,you pick your fights. You are no longer fighting for an ideal or a vague idea...you have now understood life better,so you know what idea makes sense and what doesn't...but still dear me,there is the bit of justice and principles that may constrain you. It is on the basis of this, that i am forced to stand up, forget Never land, and be a man once again...even though scarred as hell. But should i have run away dear me - because i was afraid?...Wouldn't you have mocked me as a fool? But what if being a fool brought you quieter days at 40? Do you see the tyranny of choices..you just never ever know. You only do your best, i did my best i swear i did.

I am not sure what choice i will make right now,but i know it will radically determine the course of our days,- heck more your days than mine! You wonder why i am so cynical and irrational,may this little piece answer your questions. The apostle Paul once quoted saying...'even if my life is being poured out as a drink offering..'Those are the words of a man who knew the implications of his decisions before he made them,yet he made them still...that is where i stand today dear me.. I know what this might lead to,yet i might continue...

I really hope your life turned out more beautiful than mine. I hope i did not put you in a place of regret and turmoil...I hope i made the right choice, and even for all the stress you might have to endure, that your days are still laced with plenty silver linnings- the fruit of the ideal that i choose to believe in. Dear me...there aren't alot from which you can base your decisions in life. There is God, principles, and the rest is just flakes from which you hope luck plays you a good card. I've found that God many atimes goes quiet when you have to make a choice..because choice is a gift He's given to us and will not take back. He gives you an idea and waits for you to decide. The best one can do maybe,is to take that idea,and mix with the best intentions-in justice and faith, then let life churn the rest out....Nobody can make a choice for you,nobody did...so i take unflinching responsibility.

You know all i am talking about...heck i wish it just turned out that i was being over dramatic here - if wishes were horses,i'd sure as hell ride out of here right now. And that's the crux of the whole matter, to ride this horse, or get off whilst i still can...that was the choice as the doors the NeverLand got closed forever. Behold i set before you this day, Life and Death, choose...what?

S*a*d (The Quiet)

If you've lived long and hard enough,you'd know that life isn't always coozy coffee and crackers. Some days and times are b*a*d, s*a*d...but that's just life.

I wore a hospital gown a few days ago and laid out on a surgery table....I'm fine,but let no one kid you,some days are anxious, s*a*d...but that's just life.

Usually i would delete that last bit because i hardly put up personal posts that are too easy to decipher,but of lately i've been blogging just for myself and my sanity...truth...a few words....

On a different T.Note even still,I might have to brace myself for some rough days ahead...pick up the gaunlet and fight again. I'd grown tired of fighting, i thought Obama ended all the wars!


You know,i wonder,if you see trouble ahead,should you keep walking towards it(even when you've fought too many troubles already in your days),or just knowingly take a detour?!

P.S please don't badger me with calls (i will not pick o),i'm really peachy peachy good ;-)If i cannot offload here, then where else could i heyy?!

I love Inyamu's pages,she always has something uplifting:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."

So when do you get married anyways? (A blatantly honest post)

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The word-less...

...between me and YOU...
Even if this was all we achieved...
But yet still,i dare to reach out for more.

GOOD NEWS!!!!

Your Boy, T.Notes,Got a Fulltime Proper job,in the U.K!!!!



A global bank (name withheld),head office in London, resuming september 2011!
And i'm not even done with dissertation yet!!!!

GBAM!!!

AWESOME GOD!!!

Random tweets....

Trying too hard...



...reading and running fin.stat programs all day-8a.m....now 10pm...5days a week...barely 4hours sleep inbetween...cranky...eyes red shot....i think i'm the only one left in the software rooms in the whole business school....and i've got work early tomorrow morn.

...the thing is,i'm sooo close to that mark,and for whatever the selfish reason,i really really want that first!Maybe for me,maybe to shut the mouth of all these snooty kids,i want to walk proud when they take the roll call for the distinctions. Maybe the only blackfaced geek among the lot...

...if i can only just figure out this other new component analysis,the result might be astounding..that is if i'm doing it right in the first place??But maybe,just maybe that might do it.....head aches!Trying way too hard.

S.

This will not end well...

and i know it....
...but i'm acting like a silly child and not heeding the obvious warnings.
We should stop this whilst it still makes sense and the damage is near minimal.

You are going to fuck up my whole life...
Starting with making me listen to Monica!



But you know...the giddiness is a high that's soo addictive....
...then one kiss....

This will not end well...
and i know it.

Where's that anal T.Notes when i need him?!

*fuck*fuck*fuck*!

*When I am dead*

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I h*a*t*e Blogging!

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Bitter Sweet Victories: Still Standing, Standing Still.

PostGrad Term2 Results were awesome!

It's bittersweet because aside from that, everything is pretty much a mess.
(Side laughs),you don't even want to know the extent,so let's just leave that one between me and the God who only can sort things out at this level...

But in the awesomely encouraging words of inyamu's eldorado,we might be barren and broken,but still blessed and beautiful!

On my replay list is:





You know the kind of victories where you want to laugh out loud, but you can't because the celebration seems like a lone gem amidst of so much mess all around.

Results were awesome,as in,really.

S.

All T.Notes go to Heaven!

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The Quiet...

In between here....and here,is unspoken pain,the late night ponderings of what in heaven have i done,am i doing...as we crest from short highs to much longer valley lows...

In between here...and here,are the untold stories inbetween...being stranded at 3am in another town far from 'home',the doctor's appointments for worry induced sickness,the curses and the sighs, which make no sense in the end because we still pick ourselves up in the morn and better get back to it. (Ironu o san gbese is what the yorubas say,i.e postulations and ponderings do not pay the bills.)

In between here...and here is where i was yesterday and where i am today, and even though it makes no rational sense comparing for decisions already made,i still do earnestly hope that this all makes sense. You know how the hebrews slaves used to wonder that, maybe Isreal/captivity really wasn't that bad when you think about it here in this hot desert.

In between here...and here,is a brief quiet, a sort of momentary pause,before we get back to the grind. You know what really really smarts about the whole thing is,you just cannot do crap about it,except to just keep moving,one step after the other,keep walking...even though this note is hardly adequate to communicate...

...But he knows the way that I take...Job 23:10,right???Just tell me it'll be fine,and i'll make it through another couple of weeks.

Now that I am Almost Famous!!!!

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She likes a "Black" Man and other Notes.

This ought to be quick.

She says she feels safer with a "Black Man" in the house.
She says she likes the extra buff, the broad shoulders, and the manly chiselled features.

She says the "Black Man" is resourceful...
He stays up all night thinking of how to sort out the problems,
and she is able to sleep sound, trusting that he will have a solution in the morning.

She says she likes that he is 'street', and at the same time a bad ass professional.
She likes the combination of rugged and smart...
She thinks it is rare.

She says she likes his spirituality..
she doesn't necessarily believe it all the time,
but she says its reassuring that He is close to someone,something bigger than everything.

She says she likes to walk hand in hand with him on the roads,
it feels different,daring...
yet comfortable, because people are afraid of what is different.

She says she likes his hands,
...tough,wide,able to grasp hold of...'things'..and 'other things'...
She says....she says...she says....

And the crux of it all is, I think she's right.
What do you think about your chocolate brother?

In other T.Notes.

1.Welcome back SOSEXY
Like,WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN?!!!

2. I'm walking tall to pay the last and final instalment of my fees today! The relief,cannot be explained in words. No debts,no further instalments, no oweing any corporation for 15years.It's done done done!!!

3. I only mention number 2, because, if God can be good enough to sort me out, then, without a doubt, keep trusting too!

A very messed up Note!!!

Without needing to state the obvious,you will notice i have pretty much messed up this page!!!!I assumed a house re-do will only take a second,but clearly it's going to need some seating down. So for the mo,just assume i do not exist, and ignore my wahala for now. I will content myself on being a nuisance on your own pages till i put this back together again!

Cheers peeps!

If you've not Lol'ed at this, you are soo wrong!!!

Oh jeez,that is soo legendary!!!!LMAO!!!Ensure you watch to the very very end!!!



Cracks me up every time!!!

How to kill a mocking blogg. (911, PLEASE READ!)

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Loosing Our Masks: Stripped!

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Published Changes to U.K Immigration laws for PSW

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From T.Notes to you..as in really.

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Well, lookie what i found!

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Sold Jesus for Sex!

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Frank Sinatra, a night full of kisses, and please do not step on my toes!!!

It was going to be a freezing night as usual, but i’d insisted she wear the short sunny yellow skirt that arrived her door post by M&S delivery. She’d called immediately squealing that she absolutely absolutely loved it - but there was no way she was putting it on until the first glimpses of spring came through. We had a giggly argument, you know the kind that Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel have killed us with every Friday night on the WB for the past 5years running the Gilmore girls TV series. I won this time; the suspense wove its magic into her usual obstinate self. Haha!

Three hours later, i was in the taxi underneath her window and calling her for the uptenth time. “If you do not show up in a minute, i am i am....speechless!” The skirt fitted perfectly, showing off her long slim legs and begging you to hike it up further for a peek-a-boo. She struck a playful pose by the doorway. The taxi driver spoilt the magic of the moment by honking and beckoning at the meter which had been running the past ten minutes. She hurried into the car. I planted the first kiss.

“I have a presentation tomorrow which i haven’t completed; i’m not prepared for the strategy test next week; we’d better be back home before ten pm, or else...”The second kiss, this time longer, ate up whatever was to become of her harmless threat. Gosh, gotta love those lips.

“Tonight..”I concluded for her, “...Business school has a date with the toilet cistern, and the two of us...well you’ll find out.”

I really really am not much of a romantic, but creative T.Notes can do. So it didn’t take much yesterday when browsing online to get the feeling i needed to recreate for a fun romantic and cheap sort of getaway night! And all i’d need was Frank Sinatra, a hundred kisses distributed through the night and little bit of feet shuffling. Well that last bit would be difficult, but i figured i could easily wangle my way through it. Just watch me. Cha Cha cha. Who said your naija brother cannot dance?!

So we got dropped off at a local costa coffe on Dale end.
“Coffee?!”She shrieked with obvious disprove. “We could have done that at home-close to the central heating!”
The third kiss! You see, one thing about making a date memorable is to maintain a consistency in a particular doing. Mine for tonight was the kisses, kiss her a gazillion times all through the night. Nothing sexual, just playful. On the lip, on the check, on the forehead, and whenever it started to heat up, tap your feet and allow the music flicker you away. And kisses, that was not going to cost me a dime! Haha.

Danielle met us by the doorway. “Hi T.N. This way please.” She urshered us in. Yz raised a suspicious eyebrow as we made our way through the usual coffee congregation, through a backroom, and into a wide wooden plated dancing room. Red translucent light shimmered frequently all about the place. Another note on memorability. Look for a venue that has a particular something that you do not see everyday.

“Awww...a dance class?” She inquired with that kind of childish enthusiasm that set off a fit of content laughter.
“Nope. A Frank Sinatra dance class.” And the music hit off, “I’ve got you under my skin...” And my feet found life of their own as i managed to mimic that Sinatra signature finger tapping whilst notioning, ‘watch the magic feet now.'

If you want to get a proper feel of last night, go to youtube now, and rock some frank Sinatra along with me..I’ve got you under my skin...but why should i try to resist when baby i know so damn well that i’ve got you under my skin....ooooh yeah....DANCE!



I dare say i did quite quite well.

Egad!!!The results are in!!

Alot of times last term as i struggled hard with the rigours of running a purely technical masters degree,i often wondered,"T,what have you gotten yourself into again?But i wanted to; i need(ed) to proof somehow someway that i can close this deal; that i know this stuff, and i'm not only-as i have never failed to reconsider myself- just a freaking quack who's been lucky all over the place".Back home in the working professional terrain,i'd also often quietly shake my head at myself and mutter,"you do know that someday, they'll discover that you trully do not know anything,don't you!".I still don't consider myself a genius.I struggle way too hard. And so,you can imagine how many nightmares i've had waiting for this day to come. The first set of results. As in,literally,i had nightmares.

The mail came in to all M.Sc students yesterday.Informing us that by 12pm,our results would be loaded onto the portal. They warned that often the school system crashes around that time due to the number of students all logging in at the exact same time. (Go figure).We had a lecture in Adv.Finance Theory and Practice that was to span from 9.30am to 12.30pm. Most students did not show up. I don't know how i managed through the hours, but as with the few of us who braved it, by the time the minutes was nearing 12pm, nobody was with the lecturer anymore who was blabbing complex graphs and theories all to himself. Sauvy phones and 4g gadgets started rearing their heads as everyone started frantic efforts to logg into the results portal.(I tell you, i'm getting too old for this kind of anxiety). My class is very competitive. 80% smart ass asian folks,a number of indians,only a handful of proper british,one ameriacn,some other mixes,one Tanzanian girl,one ghanian girl,and me the only black naija dude.

My laptop was in my bagpack;i fingered it ever so often,but i was going to feign cool till the end of the class.I took down furtive notes till my pen broke under the pressure,pretended to be listening hard,whilst within my heart was palpitating as every other second,somebody next to me would finally enter the online portal,sight his results and let out a muffled gasp. One particular girl's eyes went wild as she stared into whatever feedback the 4g gadget finally gave to her. I couldnt take it anymore when finally one girl let out a shriek. The lecturer frowned,but he knew what was going on, so he persisted with his theories even louder. I pulled out the laptop,pretended to be cool,calm,collected,and laid it gently on my laps. Whatever may come,i would take it like a man. The laptop booted fast (oh,the repairs so far has been hi-tech sw-sweet!),the portal wouldnt open, the systems were jammed. F/*K!My hands were trembling; i pocketed them. I could spoil my built up swagger now,could i?!The lecturer announced he was done. FINALLY! The class emptied in seconds-people streaming fast to the computer labs. I waited behind till everybody was gone.I rebooted the system....my results finally downloaded into a PDF with the summary beneath:

The overall progression decision for MSc in Finance and Investments in Term 1 is:
PROCEED - All modules passed at the required standard

*Sigh* I am tired right now. I'm not sure my exact feeling...grateful certainly, but mostly worn out! ...must you know details?!!!Let's just say,as always,God was partial to me,and i did not refuse his overexuberance.

I just want to be quiet right now; so i've retreated to my room.Somebody mentioned to go celebrate,but i'm not up to that. Moreso,some of my folks didnt do too well/as well.

Term2: Advanced Financial Econometrics, Technical Trading, Valuations of InvestmentsII,Advanced Finance Theory&Practice,Dissertation kick off. I still wonder what i'm doing, and still shake my head and mutter,jeez,if we can get through this, if we can just get through this...we will get through this.
I admitt that it's really all snatzy stuff-the modules,and the stuff they teach is out of this world. Coming from my "darker world",as i have concluded finance to be back home,it's like jet age stuff. Complex derivatives,options,and hi-tech financial instrument type jargons. It all would be cool if i seriously really was a genius like the rest of them. But oh well...fake it till we make it...or faith it till you make it. Either ways,make it.

The problem with a distinction is the pressure. It's like a gold coin dangled enviously before you. And once you've tasted of its possibility; you want to see it through to the end.The Quiet is....Thank you God.

On other T.Notes,Gist dey!But first,blog rounds i have missed!

The Quiet....

*Sigh*
The results ahead,
The Job,
The Bills,
The white folks pissing me off,
The family stress,
The worries,
The fears,
The worthlessness,
The nothingness,
.....I don't even have the strength the lament.....

You know somedays you just tire of strength to even "hope".
But it will work out, won't it...somehow....???

The thing about a man is,you just cannot let them see how you are toottering under the weigth of it all.

And the thing about this man is, nonetheless, you still gotta take it all, and keep "fixing it". You know,bullshit happens,and they bring it to you to "fix it" and make it right..and even when you are a literal mess, you still...gotta do what you have to do...somehow.

Oh,my baby gets back tomorrow. Slim,black,supple skin,i've missed her die, can't wait to get my hands all over her locked up in the cozyness of flat 86,just me and her for hours,exploring every crevice of her wanton body...oh Toshiba T135,come back home.

Noooo,don't leave me!..and other notes to naughty bloggers!!!!

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If you can guess the movie...

Paul Chambers plays a mellow score at the background.

He says: Yes...I live in...you live in...Everybody in the world knows who you are; my mother has troubles remembering my name.

She says: Fine...Fine...Good decision...Good decision.
Pause

She adds: The fame thing really isn't real you know. Don't forget, i'm also just a girl, standing infront of a boy..asking him to love her.

Pause
She reaches over to plant a pleasant kiss on his cheek, notions at the gift, then exits the store.

Gosh,can't wait to be done with this M.Sc, and so help me god people,if i dare mention that i'm having any thoughts of a p.hd or the like,somebody pls CALL ME BACK TO MY SENSES URGENTLY! After this,i'm so done proving points to anybody!

*Honestly...The preferred next course of learning is an M.A in creative writing, and i have no idea yet how i'll fund that! Ever feel like you need to pay attention for once to your subtle heart's desires..you know give your dreams a chance and see if just maybe that will calm your restless wandering discontents??That's the plan oooo!!!Relish the thought: Just abandon career books aside for a period and actually give the pen a chance. I would so love that! I'd slotted it into my 2011 goals,and without a doubt,i will update once i kick that off!

Oh,n back to the movie! The 1st winner gets a .....

@Mena: Even if I wanted to become an internet porn model!

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....and a "date" with a blogger

Oh,and i met a certain female blogger in London. She wore black skin tights and a cream jacket.



After a gazillion text messages of 'where are you now?' and 'No,i didnt say stratford station!',we did chinese at the O2, saw a movie, the pub guy flirted a little with her, and at the end of the night she gave me a goodnight hug (comments reserved).Infact, my comments on the whole night's episodes is reserved...

P.S...i was at the eye hospital yesterday. They said i've been spending too much time on computers!Even too much blogging can be bad for you!

When FB becomes war territory! (NobleIgwe vs Penny)

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The man who dared God. (Tales from the dead)

The place where heroes wings refuse to fly.

The words therein are a compilement of some hardly lived out experiences in the past few months; the depth of questioning of which many might not find comfortable, heck even i did not find me comfortable. If at the end you observe that i have disabled comments, then bear with me, i guess i already concluded on the matter by myself.

If i am to pen any introduction at all before jumping in, it would be this: ...until finally one morning, a deafening scream jerked me out of my sleep. My heart was pulsating fast; indeed i knew my heart was where the agonized cry originated from. I looked inward and i saw my soul bawled over like a weak child...she couldn’t take it anymore, she was desperately in need...of You again.

...Lend me your god.

Last nights i dreamt that i kissed the lips of blackness, plunging into the depth of deep dark oceans, meeting my worst fears face to face, and you know the dreams were not mere imaginations. Many are the voices that have spoken these past months and i hate the fact that you have let them wander freely unhindered through my mind. Voices that have ravaged and torn down every fabric of faithful conviction that we have spent lives of years building. Voices that have not sprung up without motive or notice; i know that they have been long coming, creeping and biding a time to eclipse my being. I hate that you sit there and allow this all to happen. I hate that you would not just show your face and calm my mind, but i guess, and yes realize that they will come to the best, even worst of us. Thoughts of pious righteousness becoming worse than filthy rags that i have stepped over in my confused search for something that yesterday i would have sworn was never missing. Many are the lips that have quietened me from speaking these foolish blasphemy, but you know that i would rather take this to the very limit. You know that i would not stop until i reach the last word, arrive at the last truth, the reason for which i would...or even should, believe anymore...in you.

I have sat at the feet of many in these past months, and you have watched me without saying a word. I have listened to the sermons of atheists, tearing down any insensible reason why i should wait or hope for you. Why I should give a heart to a deity who kills, allows pain and remains quiet through my questions of why. I have watched the best of us surrender it all down in utter confusion. Yet i have pressed further even without understanding, if even he could not understand it anymore, why should i? Ooh these, you know are not the words of a child, instead of one who has stayed managed to stay close through ages and pain. If i would choose to question today, i only thought it would be fair for you to give me answers on time...before i went too far. Before i kissed these lips. Why should he die....even after all? Why should i struggle, if he would give up the struggle after more years? Why should i love you? What makes you different from the myriad of philosophies that abound? I know i have often made you flinch in these past days with my regardless utterances and pondering. But if you would see use of me, you know that my mind today would not rest until i can lay hold a coherent reason in my hands...of why i should die for you.

And the words from that diary went on and on....dark days

Fast forward to today....
One reason why i believe in you is:

Through the night my soul longs for you.
Deep from within me my spirit reaches out to you.
Because i find that my soul needs, longs for that anchor that only you could...would...give. I.26