2011 in broken pieces...

When i look back,
i have often seen my life (even egoistically so), as a fine complete vessel that i handed with gracious dancing into His hands...
But as this year draws to a close and i quietly reflect
at all of the painful memories when that vessel was thrown hard to the ground
and all the fine pieces of me mixed with mud and tears and many questions of why...
I give myself away...


As the clock ticks on 2012
I have crouched low, and allowed those pieces be delicately held back together...even with glue that i suspect may be fragile and unfirm.
Many times i have screamed and cursed at His help..
'Why help now-you allowed all of this in the first place?!'
'Leave me and let me mourn in peace, start my life anew directions i only deem proper!'
And often when all else failed, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!'


I have not ended these notes with any amazing dawning to all of questions,
But still...I give myself away...
Here is me that was sturdy and secure, now needy entirely of your grace,
Still handing it all yet again back to you.

If I have not learnt anything at all this year,
i've have at least understood to drink full of the cup mixed with pain and tests of integrity and faithfulness.
And the words that remained etched in blood:
'Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial bacause, having stood the test, he will receive the crown of life...'

I don't understand it, but i see it...
that if you append your agreement at the start of the contract,
then when all hell breaks loose and (somehow) through it all you manage to hang on,
never once ripping it all to shreds,
then when all the madness ceases and the sun shines,
there truly is a fine reward.

I still don't understand pain.
I've often wondered if we did not all sign on to become sacrifices at the mercy of something we cannot see...scarry...
Entirely like C.S.Lewis explained in 'Till we have faces' (God bless his Soul).
As one after the other, it happens to the best of us.
The braver ones have held up noble faces to the heavens
and counted it all pure joy to face trials of many kind,
counting it as a privilegde...
I only wish for quiet days...feeling like i've been through enough.

I don't understand it,
because i didnt become a valiant warrior for all of it,
instead i reached another level of broken,
and a confidence that is not me and only lays quiet within.
Yes i know how to face some battles now,
and when the times comes again,
i know where to assemble my defences.
I won't be crouching or whimpering....

I don't understand it because my hopes have grown dim
I won't believe anybody who preaches lofty messages about utopias and wonderland,
instead i quietly observe and advice for him to wait his turn,
and only pray that life will not deal him too hard.
My hopes are dimmed because like a war torn soldier,
i still sleep with the weapons and a ready hand under my pillow...
and i wonder if that is how to live life.

A good friend of mine stayed with me for a few weeks,
and He loved the song by William McDowell.
I hated everytime he'd look straight into nothingness and sing along from the depths of him 'I give myself away, so you can use me.'
It just doesn't make sense, i'd tell him...
You have no idea what He is capable of turning your life into...
as my own thoughts delved back into memories.


But as the clock ticks on
and i find under the carpet, that reluctant missing piece of my fine china vessel,
the part of me that trembled at the thought of giving it all entirely...
I understand...
and i hand it to Him...
and walk away,
singing into the new year...

Happy new year folks
Don't forget to pray for those hurting.
May all of tomorrow be ever so finer than yesterday.
Emmanuel...God is with us...for whatever life may bring.
At least, that is my own confidence.




I Give Myself Away

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Verse 1:
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I’m longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

Verse 2:
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Bridge(7X):
My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself, I give myself to You
Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me