I don't know exactly
when i became
anxious.
It has sort of always been there,
Lurking in the background,
Staring out the window
Waiting for the worst to happen.
Sometimes it makes me Superhuman
Spurred by the constant need
To outperform,
To surpass expectations.
Other times it is an intense period of self sabotage
Breathless.
The wild things we do
to drown the urgent voices in our head.
I have met anxious imperfect people
Who played life like a reckless game of poker.
Dear foolish ones who look frighteningly just like me.
Indulging these fantasies
Is like jumping off a cliff
Hoping that God remembered to strap a bungee cord.
Things not to do when we are anxious.
Mama used to hand me secret round pills
And promise it will get better when i became a man.
What she really meant was
Grow up, get a job
and pay your own therapy.
I once watched a man tell his woman
that he was tired and nervous.
She pulled away quickly and left him stranded on the front porch
I desperately wished the fool had steadied his crown.
She returned with a flickering joint,
Made him sit within her gaping thighs
And proceeded quietly to plait his Afro into fine bantu knots.
A Queen.
She sang,
"Dont let your heart be troubled
Hold your head up high
Take Courage
Be Strong
Remember where your help comes from."
I know exactly the day i became anxious
A scawny child standing out in the rain,
Gripping a rusty gate and learning to count the big numbers.
Waiting for a grey Nissan that didn't return.
What can i do to be saved?
A desperate man once asked.
They told him about a God
Who could calm the raging storms inside.
These are my T.Notes
Please mind the gap.
