T.Notes#59: Anxious people

I don't know exactly

when i became

anxious.

It has sort of always been there,

Lurking in the background,

Staring out the window

Waiting for the worst to happen.

Sometimes it makes me Superhuman

Spurred by the constant need

To outperform,

To surpass expectations.

Other times it is an intense period of self sabotage

Breathless.

The wild things we do

to drown the urgent voices in our head.

I have met anxious imperfect people

Who played life like a reckless game of poker.

Dear foolish ones who look frighteningly just like me.

Indulging these fantasies

Is like jumping off a cliff

Hoping that God remembered to strap a bungee cord.

Things not to do when we are anxious.

Mama used to hand me secret round pills

And promise it will get better when i became a man.

What she really meant was

Grow up, get a job

and pay your own therapy.

I once watched a man tell his woman

that he was tired and nervous.

She pulled away quickly and left him stranded on the front porch

I desperately wished the fool had steadied his crown.

She returned with a flickering joint,

Made him sit within her gaping thighs

And proceeded quietly to plait his Afro into fine bantu knots.

A Queen.

She sang,

"Dont let your heart be troubled

Hold your head up high

Take Courage

Be Strong

Remember where your help comes from."

I know exactly the day i became anxious

A scawny child standing out in the rain,

Gripping a rusty gate and learning to count the big numbers.

Waiting for a grey Nissan that didn't return.

What can i do to be saved?

A desperate man once asked.

They told him about a God

Who could calm the raging storms inside.

These are my T.Notes

Please mind the gap.